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The Cremators (1972)

Dir: Harry Essex

Where to start? This complex bit of psychological science fiction movie making is one of the unsung classics of cinema….

Who am I kidding! This is camp, bad and cheap schlock cinema at it's 'so bad it's good' best!
The hysterical prologue gives us the tale of an Indian and a fish, (though it's actually a Hammerhead Shark). This bizarre double act are the only witnesses to the arrival of a giant, rolling, yellow, cotton wool covered, see-through, fireball from outer space.
The Indian is rolled over and turned into a tiny model pile of ash and the shark, we are told, swims off and eventually dies…so no witnesses remain!

Skip 300 years and we find Dr Iane Thorne (Marvin Howard) poking around in the ocean where he comes across some strange blue and yellow 'stones'
He sends off a couple of samples to his oddly named friend Dr. Willy Seppel (Eric Allison).
Little does the unfortunate Mailman know that the stones have started to glow in their packet! Before you can say 'would you care to sample my hot weenie' the poor soul is rolled over and barbecued instantly turning into the same pile of model ash as our ill fated Indian.

A local Hippie (Mason Caulfield) runs and jumps along the beach swinging his cat around and Dr Thorne spends his days finding more 'stones' while looking serious, then looking stern and then looking worried.
Then an old flame (ha ha ha) of Thorne's named Jeanne appears (Maria De Aragon, who's biggest claim to non-fame is getting shot by Harrison Ford in an uncredited role as 'Geedo' in "Star Wars") . Before you know it silly Doc Thorne is giving her a stone as a gift and making far from passionate love to her.

Dr. Willy then pops up to compete with Thorne in the worried looks stakes, and together (as the hysterically bad optical effect that is our fiery 'monster' hides under water) they work out the, jaw dropping in it's awfulness, truth about the 'stones' and the piles of Human BBQ that keep blowing away in the wind…….

 

Harry "Octaman" Essex gives us a plodding plot (even at 74 minutes this movie seems long), wooden acting, cardboard characters and some ridiculous set pieces.
But he's not alone in giving us a schlock movie of the most ludicrous kind.

Doug Beswick (who would go on to do a combination of optical/animation and make-up effects for "Star Wars", "The Terminator", "Aliens" and "Blade" amongst others) also helps to pile on the schlock with some of the worst optical effects you will ever see.
As the glowing cotton wool ball rolls around we stare wide-eyed at the sheer badness of it all.

The actors all try to act and at least (medals of valour all round please) take it seriously, But there is an obvious reason why they never really had an active movie career.
But despite all the above we, amazingly, are still left with a film that has a certain goofy charm, was obviously a labour of some kind of twisted love and at least does what it ultimately exists to do…..It entertains.

Highlights of this deranged entertainment are the wonderfully bonkers scenes of this huge fireball stalking potential victims! Yes, this giant, glowing, smoking ball of flame actually manages to hide and 'watch' our heroes! As Thorne waves his torch around in the darkness, looking around in typically worried fashion, we are treated to a "Friday the 13th" (though a long time before) style 'killer point of view' shot with flames licking around the bottom of the screen!
The other grin inducing sequence is when the fireball rolls over the top of the water chasing a motorboat! Watch in awe as the boat, that is shown speeding through the water in numerous, mixed in, long shots, just floats dead in the water during the close-ups as our intrepid thespian pretends to steer it and scream at the wobbly, far from special, special effect that is supposedly chasing them.

Drive-In madness at it's most mad, this cheap looking (this supposedly cost $50,000. Please, someone, tell me where the money went?) and barmy in it's plotting little movie manages to raise a smile even as it cheekily lowers the standards of cheesy trash to even greater depths of camp insanity.

The 'Retromedia' DVD is just as delightfully cheesy in it's presentation of the film as well with the typically 'false expectation building' poster (that shows a whole city burning down, where in reality the 'fiery roller thing' never gets near a building, as a scantily clad Woman runs from the flames), used as the cover.
Press 'Play' and you are treated to a 'Drive-In' introduction by schlock King himself Fred Olen Ray. Who, with the help of some jolly, fun loving, bikini clad, or topless, bimbos (look out for silicon enhancements of the most unsightly kind), sets up that essential atmosphere needed to watch such a wacky slice of cinema history.
God Bless DVD!