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Deadly Weapons (1973)

Dir: Doris Wishman

Crystal (the legend that is 'Chesty Morgan' here billed as Zsa Zsa) goes on a quest for revenge when her Mobster boyfriend Larry (Gaylord St John of "Last House on the Left" billed as Greg Reynolds) is murdered after a double cross on his mysterious Boss goes wrong.

Luckily an off the hook phone, at the just killed Larry's house, gives Crystal all the information she needs for vengeance as the killers just happen to casually spill everything about themselves.

So, Crystal's huge, 73", floppy breasts are primed and ready as she prepares to take revenge on the two cold blooded assassins, the one eyed 'Hook' and Tony (played by "Deep Throat" /"Forced Entry" infamy Harry Reems), in her own unique fashion……….

Polish born Chesty Morgan (birth name Lillian Wilczkowsky) is a legend in the skuzzy World of Drive-In/Grindhouse cinema for one, er…two, reasons. Those breasts!! Those gigantic, hanging down to her stomach, blue veined, creased, multi hued… BREASTS!
The very first shot in the film is of these mammoth mammaries looming large at the camera. So from the get go the late Doris Wishman signposts why the film exists. Chesty's chest!

Chesty herself (dubbed by another Actress due to her Polish accent and sporting weird false eyelashes that seem to weigh her eye lids down throughout most of the film, making it look like she is about to pass out) is far from a 'good' actress, but hey, you know what? I've seen worse.
Surprisingly it's in the 'sex'/nudity based sequences where she falls flat.
Wishman, in an attempt to deliver the boob groceries to her hungry audience has Chesty disrobe whenever possible. And in some cases these sequences almost stop the film dead.
Her bath scene in particular is only there to get Chesty's breasts all soapy. All well and good I hear you cry, but sadly Chesty is amazingly clumsy (she looks at one point, as she fumbles around under the soap suds, like she has a hair stuck up her arse and is having difficulty grabbing hold of it), and her strip show act (as she goes cunningly undercover to get to the stripper loving 'Hook') is to say the least passionless and lethargic.

In fact lethargic sums up the whole film. Wishman simply films her actors delivering their lines and no more. Almost all of the scenes lack any kind of energy. Even stock footage of a plane landing is lethargic, as it takes three edits back to it before the plane actually lands.
Nothing in this film is in any hurry to get anywhere.
Especially not the plot. One scene in particular, when Crystal rings down to the hotel lobby to ask if a "Mr Hook" has registered is repeated twice! But these scenes are tinged with unintentional humour when you notice Crystal is using the one eyed killers 'nickname', Captain Hook, (which Tony uses on him because of his eye patch, and one he objects to anyway) as his real name that he would have registered under!
The film also grinds to a halt so Doris can insert an oft-used bit of naked underwater acrobatic footage that would pop up in many of her movies. Like I said, nothing here is in a rush to get anywhere.

Reems, who is the second best reason to watch this flick after Chesty's outrageous melons, is on top cheesy form.
As the cold blooded Tony he makes a welcome, trashy impact as his hysterical, ultra-bushy, handlebar porn mustache bristles away to itself, almost like he has another actor stuck to his top lip.
Add the Groucho Marx style eyebrows and dreadful hair that keeps changing colour from gray to brown (in his famous 'final' scene with 'Chesty' his hair, or his boob stunt doubles wig, is two completely different colours every other shot) and every scene where Reems appears is a joy.
His character also has a satisfyingly nasty cruel streak, which delivers a bit of violence (especially during a prolonged beating and stabbing), to the film's nudity heavy content.

The low budget is also amusingly on show in a couple of scenes.
During Crystal's strip act we hear a big audience, but the only crowd we actually see is one Man and one Woman as Crystal shakes her monsters.
When Tony and his foolish girlfriend go for a drink all we see is a tiny bar and a Barman, but we hear the sounds of a full club with much talking and clinking of glasses. Sadly though Doris seems to forget she has two mirrors behind the bar that actually show the back of the 'club' to be very tiny and very empty!

As with all Wishman films very few scenes actually show lips moving and dialogue being heard at the same time.
She added the speech after shooting had finished, but to save money and time 'syncing' the dialogue with lip movements she instead shoots peoples backs, inanimate objects and (many) close ups of red carpets. Add characters suddenly 'slipping' half out of shot and a few out of focus zooms and you have a textbook Wishman flick.

So far from a good film, or a well-made film. But the enjoyment it delivers is spot on.
Be it Chesty Morgan's truly eye popping, if rather unsettling, gargantuan breasts, Reems and his intelligent mustache, the funky soundtrack, the highly amusing fashions, the twist ending, or the delightfully outrageous scenes of Chesty's breasts as lethal (or even deadly) weapons, this film is a trashy treat that delivers what it promises and does it in such a wonderfully cheesy way that any grindhouse movie fan will find something to enjoy in Chesty and her…"Deadly Weapons"!

This review is taken off a 'The Sleaziest Movies in the History of the World' VHS and sports a much welcome, and quite simply delightful, introduction and closing comments by the God like being that is 'Joe Bob Briggs'.
His amusing comments, observations and famous love for Drive-in movies and for bizarre and outrageous cinema in general adds even more sparkle to the film. And Joe Bob and "Deadly Weapons" together can't but help to be a whole, wobbling mammary heap of fun.