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CAPSULE GUIDE

Message board musings for those films without a main review.
A mixed bag of genres for you to explore.
In Alphabetical order.

 

0 - A - H

 

2012
*HERE BE VARIOUS SPOILERS*

The CGI FX went from the ho hum to the outstanding and 'fun in destruction' time was had.
But even that felt strangely 'local'.
The film basically just followed the main characters around so we only saw destruction when they saw it, as such this 'global' apocalypse was almost entirely shown to have just hit America, a patch of India and a monk on a mountain in Tibet!
Much of the action is very very silly and unlikely and was also very repetitive, with a vehicle/plane escape sequence then being followed directly by another vehicle/plane sequence.

Elsewhere all was pretty much dire. And as hypocritical, two-faced and confused on what its stance is as you could imagine.
Cookie cutter characters made less than compelling cinema and anyone could have written this stuff as we have seen it all before.
We have on the roll call of tedium......

Ex-Spouses still in love.
Short end of the stick new love/step dad.
Angst-ridden/Comedy kids.
Ruthless (White American only) politicians.
Ruthless and contemptible rich people.
Noble and perfect anyone who wasn't a White American politician.
A self-sacrificing, Black, 'people's President'
An eccentric profit of doom.
A dumb, heart of gold, blonde.
A cute dog.
A Govt. guy who sees the wrong and ensures the selfish people come to their senses.

All dull, all very predictable and full of hypocrisy.
Much is made of not being selfish...and yet the 'Ark' and all the thousands on it are nearly destroyed because a bunch of good guys tried to sneak on and thus mess the door up!

And as for all the bleating about people being chosen...well many people would indeed have to be certain types of people with certain skills and knowledge to rebuild things.
And when the achingly hand-wringing Chiwetel Ejiofor moans that all the 'Ark' builders are being left behind (the good honest working Communist Chinese man) Platt, wonderfully, declares that he is free to give away his pass TO one of those good honest Chinese Communist working men if he so wants...he does not want!
So much for that bit of bleeding heart posturing then.

And really it does (in a film full of it) go too far into Capitalist, Western self-loathing when the rooms on the 'Ark' are shown to have enough room to house far more than just the one person allocated to them and they even include silver goblets!
Sorry, but I find it offensive (and not remotely backed up in any way) that the makers assume that those evil White, Western, Capitalist pigs would care more about the silverware having room than people having room!
Where and when was this film written, on a 60's Hippie commune?

As well as being blatantly socialist (all rich people are spat at) it's also rather bias as far as race goes.
Any White guys in authority are either bad or useless, while all ethnic characters were simply upstanding and noble with great spirituality.

That (like poor picked on Mexico and The Middle East being the one and only places left for those Western Imperialists to live in "The Day After Tomorrow") the only place in the entire world left above water in "2012" is Africa seems telling!
So civilisation returns to its cradle as all that was decadent and corrupt is wiped away and so dear people...at last...we are ALL Africans now.

The final shot in the film looks like a poster Robert Mugabe and the Black Panthers would have on their walls.

And oh yeah...For all it's oh so noble and caring stance the film does the most ruthlessly cynical, down right immoral, thing out...
It makes sure the now unwanted other man and love rival (the BEST "I've only had 2 lessons" pilot in the World!) is routinely killed off before the 'we're a loving family again now' finale!
oh, very nice and noble!

If this is how the World ends...count me out.

7 MEN FROM NOW
It starts off with a truly awful song (in fact it seems both screenwriter Burt Kennedy and Director Budd Boetticher also hated it) but this moves into a very good opening sequence as Randolph Scott kills the first of the seven men who shot his Wife.
In fact the sequence is so good it should have been a PRE-credit sequence as it would have led into the film very well. Just as that wonderful opening scene of "Cahill".

Randolph Scott is rigid, uptight, driven and pretty emotionless as the revenge seeking ex-Sheriff. It kind of works for the role, but i still say he's a rather unexciting and non-descript actor.
Luckily though the mighty Lee Marvin is in support and he does a superb job.
His character is ruthless, scheming and dangerous...but thanks to Kennedy's script and Marvin's ever watchable style his character is also a likeble, charming rogue.

Kennedy's, otherwise sharp, script messes up in one place for me though...Exactly why did a character not wait a paltry 60 seconds to let the bad guys ride out of town before walking over to the Sheriff's Office!? It was utterly non-sensical.

The rest of the score is also non-event, being filled with cookie cutter strings and horns. It is at it's worse during the 'romance' angle of the film, supplied by Gail Russell, as it drones out sickly sweet swelling violins.
The romance has an edge to it (as Russell is married) and is never actually sealed and the tragic Russell does a good job.
But I just don't like 'classic' Western love stories as they bog the stroy down, are generally cloying and saccharine and (as here) are visually crafted like a Hallmark Valentine's Day card.
But there is much to enjoy here, the action is pretty good, Marvin is a gem, Scott is rugged enough, there's a good plot twist later on (that is beautifully ironic as far as Marvin's character goes) and some of the dialogue exchanges are wonderful.

It's not going to ever knock off any of my Top 10 Westerns, or make me love 'clean and classic' Westerns and their (it seems even here, inescapeble) dated style over later American Westerns from the late 60's-70's and many Spaghetti Westerns...
But it was a good, lean, solid film with many plus points and worth a watch for the great Lee Marvin alone.

8MM
Vastly underrated.
Sure we have plot holes and it's rather fantasy land in it's attitude to so called 'underground' porn, but it's still an extremely good, brutal watch.
The final 3rd is especially hard hitting.

A BITTERSWEET LIFE
Ji-woon Kim delivers us a wonderful gift...Beautifully wrapped.
This is the tale of a Korean mob enforcer (wonderfully played by Lee Byung-hun) who is given a job to do by his boss...but fails to do it as his heart finally over-rules his gangster logic...

A great score, nice performances, marvellous visuals, high to the sky melodrama, dark humour, brutality, compassion, excitement, ruthlessness, hope and loss all mixed together with stylish aplomb.
Nothing really original or groundbreaking as far as the ingredients go, but it's all in the mixing as they say and the final, finished work takes the famliar and creates something rather special.

The ending has caused vast amounts of discussion and disagreement.
It can be seen as two things for certain. I don't see that open to any discussion.
But the director has stated what the ending is and what it means and so we must surely go with that?
And that's fine. It works.
It does make the film very theatrical and vaguely comic-strip (especially during the final few minutes)...but it works.
The other interpretation of the ending though also works just fine. And brings the more stylised, over the top events seen during the finale into context and rationalises them. And it satisfies.
So whichever way YOU choose to go...I'm sure the director would not be offended by such contrasting interpretations...you should still end up satisfied.
Well worth a viewing.

A DANGEROUS MAN
Nice one Stevie!
Stevie the Seagull flaps his chubby wings extra hard and manages to halt his career plummet (yet again) after the unwatchable lows of "Kill Switch".
This is well paced, well directed, wonderfully brutal (wince like a wincy thing at the meaty, crunchy, 'rod in the back of the neck death) and entertaining stuff that effectively juggles many different groups of characters, from Seagal's delightfully cliche 'ex Special Forces' (of course!!) troubled hero to Russian mobsters (Seagal's current fetish), Chinese criminal gangs, corrupt Police and the Chinese military.

The dialogue is also a gem of multifaceted delights. Made better by Seagal's obvious unwillingness to see trash dialogue as trash dialogue.
Highlights are (in a wonderfully unhinged moment for his character) Seagal's pronouncement to a would-be mugger that he's going to "Fuck you up ugly", his remark to the lead bad guy "Where I come from, we say death is emptiness. In that case, I've been dead for many years" and a stunningly delightful line from a Russian mobster to the corrupt Police Captain, "Where I come from we fuck Cops in the mouth when we've run out of farm animals"!
Genius!

Seagal is thankfully not doubled except for a couple of 'throwing the bad guy across the room' stunts and his ultra-fast punches, blocks and thudding kicks still manage to impress despite his extra bulk (though again, he looks better than he has done).
the gunplay is not as blood drenched or in your face as that of "Renegade Justice" and tthe support characters do more of it...but again it's effective and violent enough.
Trashy, cheesy, nasty, fast paced, no-nonsense funstuffs!
Now try to keep the quality constant Stevie!

A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
Very good offering from David Cronenberg.
Brilliantly acted (Ed Harris is in top form especially) and directed, but pretty simplistic for a 'newer' Cronenberg film. This is not a bad thing, just an unusual one.
Yes it's character driven and concentrates strongly on relationships and how the violence changes them, but it's still just a good old thriller/drama at heart..
Far too many reviews for this read like they are reviewing a dreadfully deep creation with layers that are quite frankly not there. Almost as if they have to think such things because it is a Cronenberg film!
It's serious and character driven...but it's still just a thriller.

A NIGHT IN CASABLANCA
The last of the true Marx Brothers films sees them pretty much neutered from their original, anarchist, roots and instead we have them in a far more conventional 'underdogs who save the day' roles.
now, instead of blatantly causing absolute chaos (reaching the levels of actual war in "Duck Soup") they tend to right wrongs and set things straight!
Shame.

This trend had already started a few years before in what became their most successful films, "A Night at the Opera" and the far superior "A Day at the Races" (although even then this change was not so severe) but by now the weakening of their characters was also teamed with (unlike "Opera" and especially "Races") a lack of any real classic set-pieces and sketches.
Their is simply no memorable verbal greatness from Groucho and even the slapstick from Harpo and Chico is tame.
When mixed with their now muzzled characters, this lack of classic Marx humour is crippling.
Only an, actually very funny, late in the day 'packing the clothes' slapstick sequence, where the Brother's play havoc with the packing to leave plans of the lead baddie, drags the film out of the mire and it's very well crafted set-piece, and as such stands out in the sea of mediocrity that surrounds it.
Sadly the film as a whole stands alongside the equally weak and pointless "The Big Store" and "Go West" as the worst of The Marx Brother's proper films.

Stick with "Races", "Horse Feathers" and "Duck Soup" for some truly classic Marx Brothers greatness.

A STAR IS BORN (1954)
Previously made in a non-musical version in 1937 with Janet Gaynor and Fredric March and then later on in 1976 with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson, this middle version, with Judy Garland and James Mason, of the well known story (about a new star discovered by a fading, self-destructive, one) is perhaps the most famous and lasting and with just cause.

As a very minor musical fan (and then mostly comedy musicals like "The Blues Brothers" or "Cannibal the Musical" or ones with an interesting story hook first, where the music is kept as a stage act, like "Cabaret"), I admit to winding through most of the 2 big musical numbers in this so what may have been a big plus in the film left me cold. Though I recognise Garland's huge talent.
But the top support cast and great acting by the leads (coupled with the real, wonderful, surprisingly self-critical, Hollywood setting) and classic storyline kept me highly entertained and rather moved.

As the destructive, waning, acting star James Mason is on top form. He gives perhaps the definitive Mason performance and essays a fascinating character who can turn on the charm and show great love one moment before succumbing to the drink and becoming a self-loathing, selfish wreck of a man the next.

Garland shows just why she remained such a beloved performer for so long and her musical skill and star power shines here during the (for me often too long, but thankfully mostly realistic stage/film set based) musical numbers and even when drink, depression and much heartache had taken its toll (ironically Garland in real life, through the passing of time, actually became very close to Mason's character) and she was reduced to belting out show tunes in seedy, gangster run, London nightclubs...Garland kept that icon status and "A Star is Born" really shows you why, because as well as the musical sequences she handles some for the later, full on dramatic, scenes brilliantly as well and bounces of the brilliant Mason with aplomb.
Any movie fan should find much to love in this, a musical movie fan even more so.

A STUDY IN TERROR
Had it's moments, but was hopelessly dated and fantasy land!
The prostitutes were all models in this version of London and in fact one was a young and bubbly Babs Windsor!
About as far from how they really looked as you can get!
It was the first time though that Sherlock Holmes went up against Jack the Ripper, something that would happen a couple of times more in film and fiction later on.

ABOVE THE LAW
Holy hell fire! I think I'm slowly becoming a bit of a 'Stevie the Seagul' fan (at least his early stuff that is) and after trying "Out for Justice" I thought I'd try some more. So this is his debut film.

Full of cheese of course (with a classic, "He's just trying to do his job, stupid Chief!", suspension scene) but a very lean and trim Seagal is in fine action form and yet again he plays a delightfully cold blooded character who blows away bad guys without a second's thought.
You have to love it when he disarms a bunch of guys and then shoots one of them dead anyway when he walks towards him saying "he can't drop us all". Blam! One dead unarmed bad guy!
That's justice! Seagal style!
Seagal is okay in the acting stakes but nothing great (with yet again too many sappy morality speeches), Henry Silva chews the scenery all to hell as the lead villain (in a film packed with villains), Pam Grier looks foxy and a very curly haired Michael Rooker has one line of dialogue in a bar scene!
Not as fun as, or quite as violent as, "Out for Justice" but still an enjoyable no-nonsense bit of bone snapping action.

The 'R' print (the only one available i think) is certainly trimmed though where a hand is chopped off and when Nico is being beaten by Silva.

AENIGMA
Oohhhhh....Oohhhhh....Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.
What the hell ever happened Lucio Fulci?
What went wrong?
What?

Completely, utterly, numbingly tedious drivel. When the best scene in the movie involves a rubber slug and snail shit, you know you have real problems.
Jared Martin teams up with Fulci again 3 years after "Fighting Centurions" to far lesser success as Lucio bores us to tears with that old chestnut the 'revenge while in a coma' plot.
Virtually goreless this plods from tedious dialogue scene to tedious dialogue scene (with crap dialogue) until a stupendously weak and bloodless death scene arrives......then it's back to the tedious dialogue again.

We have some unattractive breasts and a colossal bit of writhing booty to give us at least something to stare at and the famous 'death by snail 'n' slug' scene works on a gross-out gonzo level as (rubber slug in the mouth aside) these are indeed tons of real snails really oozing and dripping and crapping their way over the actress's body.
But hey! Anyone with a camcorder, lots of snails and a very forgiving female friend could make that scene work! So not much praise for Fulci there either.

OH boy...Can this really be the same Fulci that gave us such magnificent Gothic Gore Gems as "City of the Living Dead", "House by the Cemetery" and the truly iconic "Zombi 2"??
Hell, this makes "Door to Silence" look like "The Beyond"!
Lay down the slug pellets and kill this monstrosity!! Never let this festering sore of a film anywhere near your precious eyes!
Save your brain and indeed your very soul and walk away...no, run away...if you ever see this thing cluttering up a DVD shelf.

ALIEN vs PREDATOR
Sure it could have done with more gore (though it was hardly violence free) and it was too short, but otherwise it did the job it set out to do just fine.
It covered both bases as for as the Aliens and the Predators were concerned, had some good sets, some solid fights between to the two species and was entertaining. Most certainly not a crap fest most say it is.
Though "Predator 2" beat them to the finale!

AMERICAN GOTHIC
How did director John "Twins of Evil" Hough sink to this dull, ponderous, by the numbers, 80's American horror fluff?
Oh dear!
The last 15 minutes picks up and opens up a suitably macabre world, but there is nothing here really.
Low gore, rushed deaths and ending, tired direction, overly slow build-up, annoying acting (Michael J. Pollard is only slightly less awful than he was in "Sleepaway Camp 3"), slumming thesps (Rod Steiger and Yvonne De Carlo, though at least Steiger has a better wig this time than he did in "The Kindred").
All in all it's just a passionless splodge of smelly blandness thrown at your TV screen, that was actually a good signpost to the (mostly) awful decade to come as far as American horror films went.

AMERICAN SAMURAI
90's action flick that screams 80's action flick...a not very good one.

James Russo is the big plus here as an alcoholic, non nonsense, on the edge, very angry Cop. He (as always) gives good value and spends all the film shouting and scowling.
Co-star is 00's DVD action star to be Jeff Wincott, here billed as 'Jeffrey H. Wincott' (OOOOO!), but he takes part in very little action.
Not that there's much action here.

Aside from the (rather good, but cheaply staged and shot) opening shoot-out there is not much here bar some clumsy, slow, chase scenes and many badly aimed bullets.
Even the finale is badly made with bad stunt doubles, lethargically paced, lacking punch, bad continuity filled action the order of the day, and it features cinema's slowest (and pointless, they end up where they started!) speedboat chase.

The plot is a strange mixture of the simplistic and the confusing and only Russo's ridiculously angst filled personal life and general bad temper, gruff-ass, performance truly entertains here.
And if anyone can explain why a film about a L.A. Cop, fighting Chinese crooks, with no link of any kind to anything Japanese is called "American Samurai"....I would love to be educated!

AMERICAN YAKUZA
Viggo Mortensen plays an undercover Cop who hitches up with the Yakuza and finds his loyalties torn as he becomes to close to his new crime 'family'.
Some good, solid action scenes, a very good cast (including Robert Forster), some impressive cinematography and an interesting screenplay that gives us engaging characters means this little B movie gem delivers all it should.
A great spot of theatrical high emotion during the finale is the icing on the cake.
Check it out.

AN INNOCENT MAN
Criminally underrated Tom Selleck flick made when he was trying to push away from his family friendly "Magnum" image.
Despite this it's very well acted by all concerned (David Rasche is particularly excellent as the corrupt Cop with a very short psychotic fuse and shows, when compared to his equally excellent turn in "Sledge Hammer" how good and underused an actor he is), is very well made, intelligent and with a well paced and believable plot-line as far as the change in Selleck's character is handled as he succumbs to being set-up and thrown in prison for 3 years.

Very nice support as well by the infamously underused F. Murray Abraham who never fails to deliver and has perhaps suffered one of the worst post Oscar winning (for a genuinely superb performance in the majestic "Amadeus") career profile dive in history.
Well worth a look

ANATOMY OF HELL
Arty feminist bollocks for the most part (with a rather shameful attitude towards men, and especially Gay men) with lots of pretentious twaddle being spouted.
But the lead actress is very sexy and looks great naked, the lead actor has a rather impressive tool and it contains one scene so explicit and extreme that i am amazed it was passed uncut by the BBFC. A shocking image!

ANIMAL CRACKERS
This is the real Marx deal. After the weak and flimsy movie debut proper with "Cocoanuts" the second Marx's film sees them under better directorial control with better technical back-up and far more assured and confident performances.
One or two weak songs aside (thankfully we also have the classic "Captain Spaulding" ditty to make up for that dreadful love song) this is almost all undiluted Marx madness as the director Victor Herman wisely took a knife to the song and dance routines.

And what Marxian gems we have!
Chico and Harpo are on top anarchic form with a big dash of surrealism (the boxing/wrestling match that pits Harpo against poor old Margaret Dumont is an un-PC joy for the eyes) and Groucho is at his verbal best as he quick fires some of the best Marx gags to perfection.
Top of the list has to be the wonderfully absurdist skit between Chico and Groucho when Chico puts forth his ideas to find out who stole the painting (the basic plot is a nonsensical mess but matters not) which goes from asking the people in the house who took the painting, to asking the people in the house next door who took the painting, to having to build a house next door to ask as there isn't one, to the layout of this fantasy house, to finally coming to the conclusion that in fact left-handed moths ate the picture...Absurd genius superbly delivered.

Other highlights (in what is easily a film at its strongest when being verbal) are Groucho's attempts to propose to two women at the same time.
Woman - "Why, that's bigamy"!
Groucho - "Yes, and it's big o' me too"
Groucho - "I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for yourGrandmother, but who wants to marry your Grandmother? Nobody, not even your Grandfather".

The classic dictation of a letter sequence (the only time Zeppo is given anything to do)
Groucho - "Read that back to me".
Zeppo - "... care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger, and McCormick."
Groucho - "You've left out a Hungerdunger. You left out the main one, too"!

And the scene where Groucho introduces himself to Chandler.
Groucho - "Well, art is art, isn't it?
Still, on the other hand, water is water.
And east is east and west is west, and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does".

Not much Groucho/Dumont word play on show sadly but there is one gem;
Groucho - "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you".
All in all though this is pure Marx Brothers genius!

ANTS
Classic era American TV horror flick about annoyed ants with toxic bites (thanks of course to those beastly humans messing with pesticides) attacking a hotel full of stock disaster movie characters (the hunk, the free love hitcher, the scheming business man, his eager secretary, the old woman in a wheelchair, her pretty daughter and the rough and ready hero who people won't listen to. OH! and 'token Black guy').

It's all done in fun and the scenes where the actors let real ants crawl literally all over them are suitably squirm inducing. Some of the FX are bad though. look out for obvious 'sweet stuff' wet patches on the sandy ground to lure the ants, look out for black blobs being pulled up the wall to make the ants look more numerous and look out for black smudges on the picture to represent hordes of ants approaching the hotel.

A good cast (with a late in the day appearence by the always welcome Brian Dennehy) of B movie sorts and faded stars like Myrna Loy do what is required but the biggest problem is the basic idea.
Poison bites or not all you would have to do is piggyback the old dear and everyone simply run out of the door!
As it is no one goes anywhere despite the fact that ants can't bite through soles of shoes and when rescue attemps are used something either handily stops them being used again (like the helicopter blowing the ants everywhere in a great scene that sees the nosy bystanders get coated in the biting buggers) or as in the case of a bulldozer that rescue one person...there is no real reason given for not rescuing the rest!!

Silly, plot hole laden, and cheesy but still entertaining in that nostalgic 70's TV way and the scenes of real ants crawling all over the actors make it all worthwhile

APARTMENT (THE)
One of the movie's a gre up on, this Billy Wilder film still delivers.
Jack Lemmon is a sophisticated joy and Shirley Maclaine is as cute as a button.
Masterful light comedy drama.

AT CLOSE RANGE
Good, solid 80's thriller/drama that's kept alive in the more stodgy moments by the great cast. Christopher Walken is superb as the sly, charming, but totally evil Father, Sean Penn is a revelation as his lost Son and he shares a nice chemistry with Mary Stuart Masterson.
And a good solid support cast (including a mad as always Crispin Glover, hard as nails R.D Call and the late - much missed - Chris Penn) and a fine score by Patrick Leonard (even the Madonna version of the theme tune is not bad) rounds it all off nicely.

AQUANOIDS
The makers had fun obviously. but it's silly, rather dull, badly acted, badly made (though they tried, but the idea of underwater creatures - or at least one creature as that's as far as the mask budget would stretch - needs a bigger budget and more technical skill), and is really just a 2nd rate, SOV, rip-off of the superior "Monster"/"Humanoids from the Deep".

Harmless and done with humour...but still not a good film.

ARMED RESPONSE
My God!! A Fred Olen Ray film that's actually marginally entertaining! Have it stuffed!
A slumming and aged Lee Van Cleef plays the world's most unlucky father with a tired David Carradine playing his oldest Son.

A nice support cast (including a nice cameo by Dick Miller), some mildly entertaining action and bloodshed and some surprsingly nasty twists as far as Van Cleef's family goes mean this delivers more value than almost any other Fred Olen Ray flick.
But it's still rather shoddy, with some awful dialogue, bored acting (except by a suitably gonzo Michael Berryman), and badly handled action dynamics by the actors (Carradine moves like a snail in sludge and stands in the open and still no one can hit him, Van Cleef can barely keep his footing as he pulls off laughable martial arts moves) and a suitably cheesy and cheap 80's synth score does nothing to help matters.

A bad film (like ALL Fred Olen Ray films), but a bad film that at least delivers some entertainment.

AZUMI
An excellent slice of stylish Japanese mayhem.
Action, drama, tragedy, blood, cool music, fantastic visuals, some more blood, more high melodrama than even most John Woo films and the truly gorgeous Aya Ueto as Azumi.
The final test for the young assassins, before starting out on their mission, was shockingly unexpected and as harsh as hell.
Damn fine stuff!

AZUMI 2
A very different, far more traditional in style, take by the new Director means this plays more like a regular Samurai/Clan film than the first movie.
Music has become more orchestral, the battles are staged (and shot) in far more conventional style, the high melodramatics have been slightly toned down and the film does lack that hyper-energy of the first film.
But...It still works fine on that more traditional level, it still works is a sequel and as such should be judged on its own merits.
The action is well done and bloody (you just have to love those wonderful Japanese garden hose arterial sprays) and features some far out weaponry and styles.
And the film generally does what it should do...ENTERTAIN.
Aya Ueto is rather more subdued here, and not always in the forefront of the action until the finale due to the larger cast of comrades, but she still makes for a truly gorgeous sight and handles the action well (despite what some reviewers say) and makes for a likeable lead.
"Kill Bill's" Chiaki Kuriyama makes another memorable appearence as well.

BAD PACK (THE)
Oh dear!
How could a film that's basically a more violent "A-Team" episode mixed with "The Seven Samurai"/"Magnificent Seven" and which stars Robert Davi, Roddy 'don't call me Rowdy' Piper, Marshall ''Road House' Teague and Vernon 'Mad Max 2' Wells be a complete stinker?
Okay, okay...perhaps I was asking for it after all!
And I got it! Lame baby...LAME!

BANG RAJAN
Superbly crafted, historical Thai film about a village holding out against the invading Burmese army.
Lots of ultra-violent, bloody and sometimes gory battle scenes (a bit too much shaking camera work but not too bad) and a simple, yet strong and emotional, story.
It's biggest failing (at least from Western eyes, and i've seen many many Japanese and Hong Kong films) is that except for really 6 main characters everyone looks the same! Including the women!
Very similar features, exact same hairstyles, exact same facial hair, exact same build and exactly the same clothes!
As such it can be very hard to figure out who just died (or not) and you wonder if you had actually seen them in the movie before!
But that aside this is an astonishing achievemnt for such a small film industry and is wonderfully acted throughout and looks amazing.
The finale is a brutal and bloody masterwork.

BANANAS
Probably Woody Allen's broadest (and nudest) film is a real mess for the first 20 minutes or so as it hangs a few pretty funny moments on...well...nothing really other than porn mags and comedy gadget testing.
But when the main South American banana republic plot kicks some top moments of comical goodness are offered up for our delight, as broad comedy and political satire slam against each other.

This is perhaps the closest Allen got to the comedy of the absurd (see the likes of "Airplane" and some Mel Brooks) as utterly fantastical comic set-ups are delivered in a real world setting.
The courtroom trial sequence is a joy (Allen's hysterical cross-examination of himself is a highlight) and the live broadcast wedding night nuptials delivered like a boxing match (complete with audience and real life sports anchors) is one of the funniest broad comedy moments Allen has ever done.

As a full-on comedy film it may not be as damn funny as "Take the Money and Run" or "Broadway Danny Rose", and as a more mature relationship comedy it may not scale the majestic heights of "Annie Hall"...but "Bananas" is perhaps the best mix of both of these different aspects of Allen's wonderful film comedy legacy.
It's far more successful than "Sleeper" or even "Love and Death" at delivering this mix anyway.

BEACH OF THE WAR GODS
The most epic and famous of the great Wang Yu's directorial efforts is basically a semi-remake of "The Seven Samurai" with the Samurai being exchanged for Chinese warriors and their number cut to five and the extended, character essaying, build-up to the big fight removed.
Wang Yu also stars as the driven warrior who chooses a town on the 'Beach of the War Gods' to defend China from the rampaging Japanese invaders by recruiting four mighty warriors to aid him and the townsfolk.

A few minor fights in the first half of the film lead up to the grand battle that literally makes up the entire second half of the film, and what a stunning, truly, truly stunning set-piece it is.......
Wang Yu and his team of choreographers and actors pull out all the stops here as one of the finest, biggest, longest fight sequences ever filmed gives the audience all the superb weapons fighting, OTT stunts, bloodshed, epic battles and stunningly executed one on one skirmishes they could ever hope for.

Often the sequences are filmed in one long take (best shown by two jaw-dropping separate scenes where first Wang Yu (a force of friggin nature in this film) and then the Japanese Commander literally cut, hack and slash their way down a dusty street taking on dozens of other fighters as the camera follows them along their bloody swathe in a continuous tracking shot.
The level of screen fighting skill on show here is simply beyond compare.

And despite the Japanese being the sketched in, out and out, bad guys here (which is fair enough as it's a Chinese film) Wang Yu still ensures that during the fights they (and their iconic swords) are given plenty of chances to shine alongside the Chinese fighters.

The faults with the film are either transfer cosmetic ones (a very distorted soundtrack makes the already rather grating Mandarin dialogue tiring on the ears) or in the fact that having to fit in such a huge battle sequence (split into various components)into the 95 minutes running time means you have very one-dimensional heroes and there is no real emotional connection to the characters for the audience (or indeed between the characters themselves) that you would get in the "Seven Samurai" or even "The Magnificent Seven".
But as a piece of breast beating, epic in scale, mesmerising, violent, stunningly crafted action cinema it's a total must see, a must own in fact, and is worthy of its reputation.

It's also one of the movies that shows that Wang Yu should be remembered with far more respect for the skilled fighter and serious director he was in the industry...instead of being rather discarded as an enjoyable trash movie star thanks to the unfortunate fact that (although it is damn enjoyable of course) the overly cartoonish, delightfully silly and rather trashy "Master of the Flying Guillotine" is the film that seems to define his career in the eyes of too many general movie fans.

BEHIND THE MASK: RISE OF LESLIE VERNON
Aghh! Frustration!
This much liked homage/twist on the Slasher movie/Slasher killer starts off superbly with a very nice, very clever, astute, sometimes very funny and extremely well done "Man Bites Dog" type fake documentary on 'Leslie Vernon', an up and coming Slasher killer getting his big break.

Robert Englund does a fun Dr Loomis type nemesis turn, the conversations about other killers (in this world Jason, Myers, Freddy are actually real) are fun and full of fan homage and nods, the acting is all very good and the serious/comedic aspects are delivered well by the whole cast.
So all seems groo-oo-vy!

But then this clever and astute homage/parody twist on the Slasher film turns into an actual Slasher film.
And as such, seeing as it is (as already mentioned by golly) a clever and astute homage/parody twist on the Slasher film surely it would deliver in all the right ways AS a Slasher film in its own right when the time comes?
Sadly not.

The stalking scenes are messy, not very well staged and unexciting (and not remotely memorable in any way) and worse...worse...it has really, really boring kills!
Hold the fucking phone people!
How the hell can a clever and astute homage to Slasher movies commit the ultimate dumb, failed to grasp the point, sin in a Slasher movie? That is...lame, boringly staged, flatly shot, barely bloody, basically goreless kill scenes! Even the big kill at the end is out of frame.

Thankfully a near the end plot twist, where we becomes serious, helps this portion of the film (and a fun about turn on the virgin girl cliche) but man, after the Slasher homage gold that came before...the final Slasher portion of the film is a real damp squib.
Worth a watch for sure, with a great first 2/3rds, but prepare to go from nearing orgasm to ending up with a bad case of blue balls by the time the credits roll.

BEYOND (THE)
Lucio Fulci's mind fuck of a zombie/supernatural flick!
Fantastic atmosphere, stunning cinematography and set design, bizarre plot (but one that works), excellent music and some choice gore and set pieces.
Sure, some FX look dodgy (those spiders!) but overall this has some of the best Euro splatter ever seen.
From the nasty as hell chain whipping (that whole opening just drips classy atmospheric horror) to the truly outstanding, whoop for joy, head explosion...this sucker delivers.
Delightfully messy zombies and some superb visuals (the blind girl on the bridge, the dead taking over the hotel as the lights in each room come on) cap off this classic slice of Fulci.

BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR
Like mosy BrianYuzna films this has interesting/entertaining 'events', but is very lifeless and lacking charm as a whole.

BIG JAKE
Classic Wayne!
Violent, brutal but packed with sly and caustic humour that's laugh out loud at times.
Plus we have some great characters/relationships.
Some dodgy indoor for outdoor sets, but overall this is well made and fantastic entertainment.
And a Father hitting his sons has never been this amusing!
Essential Western viewing.

BIOHAZARDOUS
Zombies go a shambling as some secret virus escapes in a research institute.
Hmmm....Obviously a lot of hard work here and much enthusiasm. But this SOV indy flick suffers badly from numerous things to do with the budget and a plot that seemingly does not know what to do with it's characters for half the running time.
Basically, after the rather too long outdoors build-up, the film takes place in just 2 or 3 rooms and a couple of corridors of the genetic complex.
The same bunch of 5/6 zombies shamble down the corridors as people scream and run from them (or, if armed, shoot at them), and this goes on for a long time with a few time-outs for some "What's going on man, Jesus fucking Christ" type conversations.

Now and again someone does not run quite fast enough in a corridor and gets grabbed where we have some messy limb chewing scenes with many blood arcs splattering on the walls.
But even all this is rather repetitive.
Later on some explicit conspiracy plots open up, as the evil head of the evil genetics corporation that started it all betrays his staff and some covert military squad (about 2 people!) is brought in to 'mop up'.
Here (with wildly overdone 'Nu Metal' soundtrack intro) things get a bit more furious...but it's still all very cheap looking and still basically consists of the same people (getting less and less as we go on) running down the same corridors from the same zombies.
Sadly it all becomes a bit...dull. And the end is quite frankly 'meh'. I think the makers simply had no idea how to end the film so just did something easy and a bit naff quite frankly.

Some fun (if cheap) gore livens things up as the zombies chow down on all the squishy bits they can find (we also have some messy bullet hits and a bit of good old chainsaw violence), the perfromances are not too bad either for the most part with less over the top, self concious, theatrics that we normally have with SOV backyard 'n' friends movies, and the makers certainly TRY to get what they can from thier meagre budget.
But it's too flat and repetitive in the script department and too hampered in any kind of scope by the budget to be anything but average fare for a movie of it's kind.
Kudos to the makers though, as always for these fan/indy films, at getting it made and out there.

BLACK BELT JONES
Coming off his kick ass launch in the iconic "Enter the Dragon" Jim Kelly starred in his own, rather less of an iconic but an iconic none-the-less, movie "Black Belt Jones".
With a superlative introduction/credit sequence (scored with a gloriously catchy main theme) "Black Belt Jones" shows us it's going to be a more lighthearted enterprise than "Enter the Dragon" and with the addition of heavy Blaxploitation overtones.

Everything from the cliche Black characters (the good karate school guys, the bad drug dealing gang), the cliche 70's Black dialogue, the semi-comic Mafia guys and their own cliche dialogue (at one point the boss even hold out his hands and says "Mama Mia'!) and the all round 'brothers got to stick together' philosophy means we are in Blaxploitation Heaven here and the added karate kick assery is the cherry on top.

Kelly does some fine moves and has some good fight sequences, but his physical Bruce Lee mimicry is a bit dated now and his Bruce Lee 'mighty shrieks' come off more as a mad monkey impression than Lee's vocal display of channeled power.
The fights also suffer a bit (especially the end fight) from overly comic moments and the fact that Kelly has absolutely no one of any martial arts skill to fight against.

Indeed the comedic elements in the screenplay sometimes sit badly with the few more serious moments and although there is lots to enjoy here the film is a bit uneven in tone.
You have to love the show of 'Mourning-Fu' from the karate guys at a funeral though!

The one naff moment in the film is a 'chasing each other around the beach' sequence between Kelly and Gloria Hendry.
It's pretty dire and actually just makes them both look like jerks as they run around spoiling the day of any poor white folk they meet by busting up a white guy's guitar, popping all the white kids balloons, running a (naked) white couple out of their tent then destroying the tent! Cutting room floor scene ahoy.

But the great dialogue, fun characters, 70's Kung Fu/Blaxploitation essentials, funky score and lots of fights (away from Kelly the highlight here is the sexy Gloria Hendry kicking ass in a split up the thigh dress) make for a no-nonsense fun-time flick and even Scatman Crothers does a spot of karate!! And stopping a wig as bad as he wears here from sliding off while punching guys...well, that's some skill right there!
Flawed...but lots of fun for sure.

BLACK KNIGHT (THE)
This 50's British 'Arthurian' flick has Peter Cushing as an evil Saracen (echoes of 2006!) scheming with Patrick Troughton's Pagan King to bring down the growing Christianty that has come to England via king Arthur's court.
Only Alan Ladd as an ass-kicking blacksmith stands in their way!!

This is history straight out of a comic book. Costumes are bright pastel shades, armour is gold and shiny and looks like it's made of cardboard, the castles are clean and perfectly made and all around is green and lovely! Even the Vikings (with huge horns on their helmets) are in fancy shades of blue and silver!
It looks like the school play has been given a big budget quite frankly.
Cushing is a hoot! He's tanned to hell and back, has a jet black goatee beard and huge mop of jet black curly hair! he's also delightfully nasty!
Ladd is hysterical though! Not bothering to hide his Trans-Atlantic twang (in Ye Olde, America has not even been discovered, England) is funny enough, but when he becomes the 'mysterious' Black Knight and keeps the same accent...but no one recognises him with his flimsy visor down...things get decidely loopy!
The fact that he is the only white American in the entire world seems to have no baring!

The pro-Christian stance is also something to behold, as it means the Pagans are utterly demonised! Their 'lair' is underneath...wait for it...Stonehenge!
The lair is decorated with skulls and has 'heathen' Pagan dancers to usher in their diabolical human sacrifices!
And if you want to know why parts of Stonehenge are pulled down...this film shows you!
Added to the cast are Andre Morell ("The Plague of the Zombies"), Harry Andrews ("Ice-Cold in Alex") and Laurence Naismith ("The Amazing Mr Blunden").
Awful...but awfully entertaining.
Hell it even opens with a damn scarlet clad minstral on a horse strumming a ye olde merry tune about Ladd's daring deeds of yore!

BLACK SNAKE MOAN
The shaky start gives way to a rare thing...a basically original plot!
Ricci looks great naked but still has that genuinely haggard and downtrodden look that such a character would have. She's also actually very good as the nymphomaniac white trash young woman given a wobbly start in life, a wobble that became a full blown personal earthquake.
Surprise of the show though was the rather good turn by Justin Timberlake as Ricci's Army boyfriend with his own problems.

Sam Jackson is the now wifeless, bitter, bible nuzzling blues-man who sees in his fateful meeting with Ricci a chance to help himself as he helps her to overcome her sexual demons; by chaining her up in his shack!
He also sees the chance to be the Father he was denied the chance of being.
Jackson mostly casts aside his 'Bad Mofo' image here...but there are still many fun 'Sam the Man moments' here when he loses his temper and swears like a good 'un.

Despite the harsh, illegal, methods he uses Jackson's character is basically a good man who has fallen off life's tracks as much as Ricci in many ways and he in no way harms her...and soon a strange bond grows between them.
A bond that solidifies during a superb moment in a lightning storm as Jackson's (pretty damn good) rendition of Blind Lemon's "Black Snake Moan" keeps a few demons at bay for both of them as his electric guitar blues compete with God's own electric show of power outside.

The soundtrack is basically the 3rd star here and it's a joy for any Blues fan and enlivens the film even when certain scenes drag (as they do at times).

The end is rather trite and dare I say it...Hollywood...but the final scene reminds us that life's struggles continue and there is no magical 'cure' that does all the work for you.
Not as good as it could have been and, away from the opening minutes, not the Exploitation film the damn impressive, 70's style posters would have you think...but as a very well acted, different, intriguing little film wrapped in fine cinematography and perked up by Ricci's fine breasts and groovy panty wearing abilities (as well as lots of great Blues moments) it comes highly recommended.

BLACK SUN: THE NANKING MASSACRE
Too episodic to truly grip you as far as the characters are concerned because the film re-creates one true event and/or atrocity after another with the very few characters we actually get to know leading us to each of these re-creations but doing little else.
But there are some really powerful, shocking moments and sights and the last 15 minutes piles on the kind of heartbreaking, horrifying, up close and personal tragedy the rest of the film was mostly lacking.
And the final scene is amazingly powerful and affecting.
Plus it can be taken far more seriously as a studious, dramatic condemnation of atrocity than the more widely seen, far more exploitative, "Men Behind the Sun".

BLASTFIGHTER
Why this gets such good reviews ido not know.
About 8 minutes of any really decent action in the whole thing, a wimp out 'i hate violnce' hero and a damp squib ending. BAH!

BLIND WOMAN'S CURSE
We start off in a very groovy fashion with a rain soaked Samurai sword fight that drips cool.
But a warning sign of the slump to come was shown here also, when a vital plot point of a woman being blinded by a sword stroke from Meiko Kaji is played out by the sword swipe very obviously not being anywhere near her at all!

From here on we enter a world of chaotic plotting, muddled all to hell ideas, dubious translations and redundant characters.
By the opening we are expecting Meiko Kaji ("Lady Snowblood") to be a tough woman with an agenda.
Instead the rest of the film, right up until the last 10 minutes, has her do absolutely nothing at all except cry a lot!
Bad comic relief? Oh yes. How about a guy in a bowler hat and a smelly red nappy? You got it.

What else stinks here?
Well the big Blind Woman's revenge sub-plot plays out with her actually doing nothing at all (despite her joining up with a group of bad guys) until the very end...and then she simply does nothing all over again!
The only person who does anything is her grotesque hunchback assistant...who then gets told off by her for doing something!

The plot is a jumbled mess of schemes, double-crosses and betrayals that are played as secrets one minute and then played out openly the next.
Despite a stew of sub-plots (clan rivalry, cat curses, blind woman revenge, hunchback murders, mysterious stranger pop ups) and the various groups of bad guys to choose from (who simply end up tripping over each other) nothing much happens in the film at all. Ever.
It's purely down to the horror tinges (an utterly deranged traveling 'spook show' carnival) and that loony hunchback that anything remotely interesting happens in the movie at all.

This real mess of a mass of nothing has the odd great moment of bloody violence (total screen time 5 minutes max) a smattering of sleaze and nudity (one hellish dope/prostitution den scene) and some theatrical horror visuals...but this is a case of a needle in a tedious haystack.

And worse of all is the end.
After a huge, muddled, sludge slow trek we have a wonderful few seconds of sword gore before we finally get to the big revenge pay-off as the blind woman actually does something for once as she squares off against Meiko Kaji (who has herself has also finally done something in the film).
But what happens now?
Once again nothing!
And yes I am going to reveal the end of the film to save you my pain.
In the end...blind woman decides she can't take revenge after all against Meiko Kaji because Kaji has a good heart!!
She promptly walks off and leaves Kaji and the audience staring off into space in utter confusion!

Before she walks off blind woman just so happens to sum up my thoughts.
"Seems as though I have wasted my life on this meaningless goal"
Change "goal" for "movie" and you have my thoughts exactly!

BLOODSPORT
Better than "Kickboxer" because of stronger support characters, more (and more interesting) fights and it shows off Van Dammes atheletic and fighting ability much more successfully. Superior end fight as well.
Dated for sure and the songs are awful (fun..but awful) but generally it still holds up as a solid western slice of Martial Arts violence.
And good old Bolo is always fun!

BLUE JEAN COP
Barely average thriller fare from James Glickenhaus ("The Exterminator") that is badly plotted and dragged down by an utterly pointless romance sub-plot between the female D.A. and Peter Weller's Defence Attorney.
We have some very well staged stunt/action set-pieces that are large scale, but a lack of actual one on one gunplay.
And the less said about the ludicrious, dodgy FX, sight of Sam Elliot hanging from the landing carriage of a jet plane in full flight finale the better.
And it's now VERY unsettling to see the (superimposed) plane zoom dangerously close to the Twin Towers.

But the big interest the film offers for movie fans is the setting for a large chunk of the film...42nd Street!
Filmed at the end of 1987 James Glickenhaus has captured the dying breath of the 42nd Street strip in all it's decayed glory.
Given that all the cinema's were soon closed down and many ready for demolition ("The Last Action Hero" crew in 1993 had to decorate them with false marquee hoardings and lights to make the area look like it was still operating for example) this must have been the last couple of years or so of genuine life in the are...and the shoot-out, car/bike chase in "Blue Jean Cop" may well be the most elaborate movie sequence ever filmed on 42nd Street, and it's sure great to see the lights shine brightly as the action unfolds around them.

As it was 1987 the 'Indy' Grindhouse scene had already vanished, so almost everything showing then was mainstream Hollywood product and video shelf filler (and the fact at least one of the cinema's is screening shot on video XXX flicks like "Hannah does her Sisters" shows how far along the move away from actual film projection had come as most of the theatres moved over to video projected porn cinemas) but it's still interesting to see the diverse choice along the famous strip.
We have:
"The Running Man"
"Prom Night 2"
"Death Wish 4"
"Prince of Darkness"
"Witchboard"
"The Hidden"
"NOES 3".
But we also had a triple bill of Martial Arts flicks running that included "Rivals of the Dragon" and what looked like "Mad Sword" (which i think was a marquee abreviation for 1969's "Mad Mad Mad Swords") and obscure Argentinian thriller "Catch the Heat" with an already slumming Rod Steiger.
For any fan of 42nd Street and it's history it's worth checking "Blue Jean Cop" out just to see places like 'The Roxy' and 'The Lyric' before the bulldozers, Disney and 'acceptable' theatre came along to transform them in different ways.

BLUE TIGER
When her Son is accidentally shot during a botched assassination, Mother Virginia Madsen learns some Japanese, dyes her hair black, gets one hell of a tattoo off Harry Dean Stanton, turns on the sex appeal, picks up a gun from Michael Madsen ("Occupation"? "….Mother") and seeks vengeance.

The typically cool, hard-ass build-up to Madsen's vengeance is surprisingly nothing but a smokescreen.
Her character actually very vulnerable, and most of the time completely out of her depth.
In fact her vengeance never really comes to fruition in the way she wanted at all.
She is ultimately a bystander (realistic but hardly the thing of kick-ass revenge cinema) to events she knows little about involving people she could never hope to match or understand. Fancy tattoo or not.
Some sparse but well handled action punctuates the story (in which Madsen's character is almost entirely left out of) but this is actually far more of a character drama than a revenge thriller.
Not bad, well acted by Madsen certainly, but ultimately a bit too ’worthy’ for it’s own good which means it falls into the gap between serious drama and action flick and as such ultimately fails to satisfy as either. What Madsen will ultimately do at the end will keep you guessing...but the film as a whole is more foreplay than satisfying orgasm.

BODY COUNT
Fun but sadly forgotten 'robbery goes wrong' flick with a great little cast, Ving Rhames, Linda Fiorentino, John Leguizamo, Donnie Wahlberg, Forest Whitaker and a great barnstorming turn by David Caruso that's as far from "CSI: Miami" as you can get.

BOOGEYMAN 2
A barely related sequel to a little liked film, I had no desire to see, was not perhaps the best start for this (wrongly sent straight to DVD) movie, but some good word of mouth made me take a risk.
I was glad I did as well as, although there is nothing new here, the film delivers some well crafted, glossy, shocks that lead to a very satisfying and (amazingly today) coherent finale.

It's pretty much a repeat match as far as most of the killings go ('Boogeyman' gets one alone, does gruesome and nasty things, body then found by someone else) but at least the demises are suitably gory and nasty and carry a heavy "Saw" feel in the way some of them play out.
Much blood and gore later we are left with a solid, does the job well, glossy and modern Slasher flick (with possible supernatural tinges) that will come as no big revelation to anyone who has seen more than 4 horror films but is ultimately well worth a look for those in need for simple, well made, gory fun.

Its one to sit on the shelf ready to be pulled out at Halloween or on Friday the 13th's when you invite a few mates round for a bit of popcorn horror entertainment.
And there's nothing wrong with that.

BONE SNATCHER (THE)
Low key, sedate at times but generally a good little creature flick with some very well realised 'creature' (sort of...) designs and ideas which made for some ghoulish sights.
Not a gore fest, but it was well done with a good African music/electro based soundtrack and some impressive desert cinematography.
Not sure about the rather confused twist ending though.

BORDERLAND
Based (pretty closely in some places, not at all in others) on a true crime story about a bunch of drug running Mexicans who performed witchcraft rituals to protect their trade by sacrificing people, including a young American student.

Opening with a full on nasty bit of torture/mutilation the film then takes it's time (with no gore at all) building up three likeable main characters as they party heart at a Mexican border town before one of them is kidnapped by the drug cartel.
From then on we switch back and forth between the remaining two friends trying to track their friend down and the kidnapped lad at the gang's ranch. And aside from a couple of moments there is little horror or gore as the film basically becomes a thriller.

The fim could have done with a few edits here and there to tighten this part of the film up as it does play out slowly, even though something is always going on, but at least we get to really care about the characters when the brutality starts back up.
And it's a clever screenplay indeed that can keep an audience today surprised at what is going to happen, when it's going to happen or even if something will happen at all. As such the suspense is expertly crafted as things get slowly more nasty.

Some good shocks, some very well done gore by KNB (some nasty machete violence, limb hacking, torso chopping, eyeball gouging, body parts), good performances, a serious and generally well crafted script (if in need of a bit of editing), excellent cinematography and spot on editing and direction all help to make "Borderland" a very good thriller/horror hybrid movie that has a cloying atmosphere and a brutal streak that brings to mind 70's exploitation.
Well worth a look.

BOTCHED
Brit/Irish horror comedy that's utterly insane, completely unbelievable, wildy OTT and blood drenched.

A top cast (headed by the ever welcome Stephen Dorff) of mostly English and Irish actors all playing Russians (with delightfully broad accents) and they are surrounded by some good gore, lots of blood, madcap slapstick, black comic horror, la la land characters and plot twists.
Basically it's just insane.
The always fun, son of a real life gangster, Jamie Foreman (whose ham Russian accent and OTT performance work perfectly) is the support highlight but everyone here is good with Geoff Bell as a likeable but slightly insane ex-commando and Hugh O'Conor, as a dweeb who comes good, are memorable too.
Hell, all the characters are great (although Jaime "Dexter" Murray is a rather wasted female lead who seems to have had bits of her character background left on the cutting room floor).

Sometimes it's a bit too OTT comical (like the disco spiked floor) and pantomime, but overall it worked and was delightfully unpretentious, unsubtle, crimson coated, body parts filled fun that entertained to the max.
Recommended!
Avoid the trailer though as it gives away the first (wonderfully executed) gore shock that you would otherwise have no clue about.

BOY EATS GIRL
Short and very slight horror comedy from Ireland that does perhaps skip along too fast as far as any real, even obvious, dramatic scenes go as they simply don't exist.
For example...in a 75 minute film the main character (a teenager who is brought back to life by his Mum) is a zombie 18 minutes in...BUT the scene that contains his mother finding him dead, grieving, deciding what to do and then doing it is a 5 second quick cut montage!
I kid you not. Imagine that huge part of the plot of "Pet Semetary" with Gage dying, the grieving and the choice of reanimating him happening in just 5 seconds flat with no dialogue!
As such there is a perhaps unintentionally funny aspect to this part of the film simply because such massive events are brushed so outstandingly skipped over.
There's also a 'hold on..what about all the rest of the zombies around the town who were not in that finale' plot hole at the end.

Now this sounds like a negative write-up...but it's not!
As despite these faults (or quirks) the film is actually very enjoyable, well made, often very funny (with two very likeable and well played dweeb friends of the lead character) and has one of the most undervalued (indeed totally forgotten) gore sequences in horrordom!

When the cute Samantha Mumba (one time pop singer and her of "The Time Machine" remake) climbs into a tractor equipped with a huge grass cutter we can only hope good things happen as she trundles towards the zombie horde (or as horde-ish as the budget allows)...and we are not disappointed.
Forget the weak CGI-combine harvester sequence that was much touted around the web in the awful "Evil Aliens"...This (though smaller scale) sequence with the tractor is the zombie slaughter splatterfest we should be familiar with!

With gleeful abandon buckets of blood and loads of body parts fly around and get stuck, flopping, everywhere. Which is fun enough.
But a couple of moments showing some very well made full zombie bodies (with NO CGI rubbish anywhere) being literally mulched and exploded in full view of the audience as the blades hit them (as well as some great legless/ headless, aftermath corpses stumbling around), as well as a top notch squashed head, mean this sequence truly delivers the gorehound funstuffs.
It lifts the entire, already enjoyable, film to another level.

"Boy eats Girl" may be simple, slight with some less than successful screenplay choices (and the strangest 'zombie cure' ever seen), but it's also funny, fast paced, gory, well acted, well crafted and extremely enjoyable.
A sadly forgotten Irish pot o' gold.

BREAKHEART PASS
A fine mystery western that has that welcoming and warm feel like one of those 70's mystery TV series, only with Cowboys 'n' Injuns, a bit more violence (nasty shot in the head, a bit of blood here and there and damn fun falling 'n' smashing dummies) and a big budget.

Mysteries set on trains (always a fave) live and die on their twists, turns, characters and actors.
This has the very welcome Charles Bronson doing his cool thing, and top notch veteran support players like Ben Johnson, Richard Crenna, Ed Lauter and Charles Durning doing what they do best.
The ever present in a 70's/80's Bronson film Jill Ireland is not as wooden here as she can sometimes be either ("Death Wish 2" anyone).
Most characters were colourful and the film has some solid set-pieces and action.

But the plotting is rather ropey.
How on earth was a supposed murder suspect (Bronson's character, obviously not real from the start) allowed total freedom of the train?
He might not have had anywhere to go in the wilderness, but he would still have been locked up on the train!
But then you would have no film...So another way should have been found for his character to get on the train, rather than being a prisoner.
That aside it was overall an enjoyable flick with an unusual mystery/western set-up and a great cast.

BRIGHTON ROCK
Classic British gangster drama.
A very young Richard Attenborough rips through the film as the psychotic, thug 'Pinky' who runs a gang of petty crooks in sea-side town Brighton, after WW2.
'Pinky' is a sadistic schemer, a ruthless maniac, a delusional small timer, and a lonely scared child all wrapped up in a vicious razor blade wielding form.
Nice support from William Hartnell as 'Pinky's' right hand man and an almost unrecognisible Nigel Stock as a wonderfully theatrical looking Spiv.
Carol Marsh as the tragic, innocent fly in 'Pinky's cruel web is also wonderful and Hermione Baddeley is great as the snooping good time girl who's determined to see justice done.

The cinematography (by Harry Waxman, who would go on to do another classic, "The Wicker Man") is also stunning!
Truly brilliant black and white photography takes on an almost German surrealist look at times and the lighting is a thing of sinister beauty.
A great achievement all round.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA
Amazingly filthy looking and bleak Sam Pekinpah movie with Warren Oates doing a brilliant job.
The first 30 minutes or so is overly padded and stodgy, but it picks up and becomes a top notch bit of nihilistic 70's cinema.

BROKEN ARROW
Forgot just how crap this Americanised Woo flick was! Avoid.
Stupid, hammy turn by Travolta and weak, weak action (as in all Woo Americana).

BROKEN BLOSSOMS
D.W. Griffith's silent, wonderfully told tale of love and heartache in the the 'New World'.
1900's London:
Lucy Burrows (Lillian Gish) is a beat upon young woman who lives a life of despair at the hands of the brutish, racist, shady, bare knuckle boxer 'Battling Burrows (Donald Crisp...yes, THAT Donald Crisp, the sweet as sweet can be old guy from "The Greyfriar's Bobbie").

Cheng Haun (Richard Barthelmess) is a missionary who comes from China to the New World.
Here he finds squaler, prejudice and violence. But he also finds Lucy. And a dangerous love blossoms between them. But it's a love that grows in the uncompromising and deadly shadow of Burrows....

Although heaped with an almost innocent and blind racism in it's basic conception and source (it's based on a book called "The Chink and the Child" for crying out loud), due to some of the language used to describe Chen ("The yellow Man") and the fact that White actors portray Chinese and Blacks, there is otherwise a deep respect for it's Chinese character in the screenplay and Cheng is (after Lucy) the purest character in the film.
It is for the White characters that Griffith (who would of course be mired in charges of racism for the rest of his life thanks to "Birth of a Nation") takes the time to portray in a negative light. Cheng is a noble man from the East surrounded by the Western barbarians.

As this is Griffth (a true, true, master of the cinematic form) "Broken Blossoms" is of course technically stunning, looks amazing and is kept fast moving with a good and simple tale well told.
But the true honours go to Lillian Gish as the poor girl stuck between a brute and a true love that can't possibly be.
Forget any stalked Slasher victim you have seen, forget Jamie Lee Curtis stuck in a closet in "Halloween" with Myers hunting her....All of it pales into nothingness at the superb, masterly acting by Gish when Lucy locks herself in a closet to escape the savage brute of a man who 'owns' her life and her soul.
Her Character trapped and filled with stark terror as Burrows smashes apart the door to get to her, Gish gives the most disturbing portrait of abject terror you will ever see.
As Lucy sees the fate that must surely be, if help does not come, she literally turns into a tiny trapped animal.
With all reason gone, her body shaking, her hands clasping and unclasping and the madness of terror in her eyes she twirls around and around in the tiny dark space...like a rabbit trapped inside it's pen as the fox rips it's way in.
Once seen never forgotten and in a non-Horror film it is one of the best and most disturbing horror scenes you will ever see.

BROOKLYN RULES
One of the many "Sopranos" writers penned this raher enjoyable little Mob drama starring Alec Baldwin, Scott Caan and a surprisingly good Freddie Prinze jr.

Nothing remotely new here, full of cliche and sign posted events but it's well made, well acted has some engaging characters (blimey, Scott Caan in 'Mob mode' standing there in a white vest is the absolute spit of his dad), a good soundtrack and is overall a solid piece of work for those into Jersey/NY Mob dramas (and what fucking douche isn't!?).

BRONSON
A demented surrealist pantomime salted with brutal violence, tragedy, madness and the foulest and funniest of language.
All of which is used to tell the fascinating tale of a small time thug who got a 7 year sentence for armed robbery but ended up spending 34 (and counting) years in prison...30 in solitary(!!)...for his constant assaults and kidnappings on Prison Service staff.
34 years where he gave birth to his alta-ego 'Charles Bronson' and became the most violent, costly, dangerous and ultimately famous prisoner in British penal history. And an accomplished artist and writer to boot.

As the mad, smart, sad, whimsical, tragic, charismatic, farcical and super scary Human art installation Bronson, Tom Hardy is simply outstanding.
Channeling the utterly unique personage and unforgettable physicality that is the real 'Charles Bronson' (whatever indeed THAT means!) Hardy still manages to deliver a tour de force of serious acting that kills stone dead any criticism he's just doing an impersonation.
And physically it's a truly unforgettable performance as well.
The hard as nails Bronson physique, mad moustache, wonderful vocal weirdness, the facial gymnastics and almost primordial brutality and razor sharp wit and artistic vitality of the man are all present and correct.
As is a gloriously unfettered attitude to full male nudity, the two sequences of which are truly brilliant and memorable, as Hardy even puts Harvey Keitel to shame in the swinging artistic penis stakes.

The movie is part bio, part art show, part acid trip, part parody and part shockingly realistic drama.
With faux stage act scenes, camera tricks, delightfully eclectic soundtrack, hyperrealism, surrealist fantasy, intentional camp and astute psychological study give us a very personal, utterly abstract, painfully grim and wildly entertaining portrait of a man who has become a bizarre British icon.

But the film never glamourises or makes excuses for a man of extreme, unpredictable (though never actually lethal) violence, demented thoughts, inexcusable actions and sociopathic danger.
Yet it also shows the unique mind at work, the raw artistic skill, the sharp brain, the social awareness and fascinating personality of a man who literally re-invented himself through art and writing.

It has still been accused of lauding the man and glamorising the violence in him.
But it is telling that the film does not end on the 'mime' make-up covered, wildly grinning Bronson commanding his fantasy audience on the psychological stage of fame and infamy he loves so much...But instead ends on the shocking image of a blood covered, wild eyed, lacerated Bronson painfully trying to stand up in a metal cage not much bigger than himself.
And aurally , it does not end on the sound of celebrity Bronson laughing on stage...but end on the very real, physical plain bound Bronson screaming, rasping and moaning as he tries to push aside the cage walls that hem him in as he stands clothed in nothing but his own blood.

He would never have been the man, yes even the infamous celebrity and lauded artiste, he is without that 35 odd years of extreme incarceration...and yet would any of us really want to pay such a gigantic price?
Stunning!

BUBBA HO-TEP
An absolute delight!
Unique, brave, moving, funny and just plain great Indy film making. Worthy of all the hype and more.
Bruce Campbell was an absolute joy.

BULLETPROOF MONK
Chow Yun Fat is a joy to watch and to generally spend time with and the film is fun enough.
But it's basically just fluff with far too many non-Martial Artists doing fights with the (often silly looking) aid of CGI, wires and stupid speeded up footage.
Better than I feared it would be thanks to Chow Yun Fat and the enjoyable first half, but Chow should have been appearing in films far more substantial than this at this point in his American career.

BURBS (THE)
One of those original box office disappointments that went on to become a well loved film when it hit VHS and TV.
And it still holds up. The humour is just as good, funny and well done and there is actually nothing in the film that really dates it. Change the household technology a bit and it could be set now.

The controversial ending still works, even if it becomes a lighter film because of it.
But then again it is a Tom Hanks comedy so perhaps darkness was never really a comfortable option.
And at least the possibly darker ending is delivered and used as far as Hank's character goes and the speech he makes.

Anyway, it's funny and well acted with Hanks and Bruce Dern (in a truly wonderful role) in really fine form but the basically forgotten Rick Ducommun certainly more than holds his own as Hank's barely sane friend.
And Corey Feldman is certainly having as much fun as the audience.
Courtney Gains is, as always, a ginger nutter beyond compare and of course Henry Gibson is always worth a watch!
Good times.

BURN
A strange beast indeed. Most prints are highly edited and that means much of the narrative is very choppy and confusing with obvious events entirely removed.
And yet at it's full length i fear it would be a rather trying slog.
Mayhap a film that simply can't win.

Brando is...well...weird in mnay ways due to the fact his dialogue was obviously re-dubbed after due to the mass of different languages being spoken on set and due to the fact his plumby English accent is rather hit and miss.
But he still manages to carry that quality of sheer presence on screen and his Empire scheming character is pretty engaging as he manipulates the sugar field slaves into revolution on a Caribbean island.

Some of the spectacle is impressive during the battle scenes as an army of Black slaves take on the might of Portugal and then Britain (though the print leaves a lot to be desired) and the documentray style shooting of these scenes (and the various scenes of executions, dancing and general upheaval) gives the film a powerful punch of realism...at times it looks like some Jacopetti/Prosperi Mondo flick!

If more careful editing of the (probably overlong and overblown) original version had occured "Burn" would have been a bigger hit then and have a more deserving profile than it has (there is truly much to admire and enjoy here) and if a nice widescreen/truly remastered print came out of it on DVD, "Burn" would also have a bigger following of new fans.
Alex Cox's equally as eccentric (though rather more surreal and bizarre) "Walker" played a lot of fictional games with the same real life character Brando plays in "Burn" (Sir William Walker) and that's also suffered an undeserving fate as far as cinema and DVD distribution goes...but that is also well worth checking out.

CABARET
Aside from "The Blues Brothers", "Cannibal the Musical" and "Bugsy Malone", I'm not a fan of musicals, but the setting, the story and the fact the music was realistically set only in the club really helped me enjoy this.
And Liza Minelli was superb. Not only when performing but also her acting as a whole.
And the slowly growing threat of the Nazi Party as it came to power added a genuine sense of melancholy and menace.
Good stuff, with a nice sense of decadence to the proceedings.

CABIN FEVER 2
Not bad. Starts off slow but engaging. But then loses it's way during the Prom, until things pick up again.
Some nicely gross moments involving various body fluids, lost of blood but only some (though strong) gore.

Some of the FX are dubious (awful latex finger and chest piece) while some are very good (head smashing and drippy cock), but the end is weak and anti-climactic with a tagged on piece that's too long, though leads to an okay pay-off during the animated credits.
Nothing special, weak ending, but has enough gross moments and interesting characters (who are not as obnoxious as those in the first film) to make a good rental

CAHILL U.S. MARSHAL
Average John Wayne fare that bogs down in a slushy swamp of family drama, but it has some fine moments.
Great, sinister panto villian, turn by George Kennedy, solid support by the ever welcome Neville Brand and some (as always) well staged action along with some ultra-cool Duke moments of gun blasting sardonic humour.

CAMP BLOOD
Oh dear.
Something went wrong with the mix Grandma, this ain't chocolate...it's shit.

Barely watchable amateur Slasher fare with a crap killer and lots of tedium.
Has a couple of okay deaths, but mainly it's just good old Tom Savini's 'machete with a half moon cut out of it' type FX as annoying people get hacked in the arm or head.
Acting varies from bad to okay, with top marks going to a spot on 'loony old fart who forewarns doom' performance from a guy who seems to have trouble standing up straight.

The film's real failing though is the Christ awful picture quality.
The video camera images are generally crisp and clear but the colour is shot to hell!
Red blood becomes either dull orange or a dirty gold colour resulting in seriously compromised FX and murders.
Skin-tones vary from green to yellow to yellowy-green and the rest of the colour spectrum seems to be missing.

So a weak home made Slasher flick (with a naff ending) slips even further down into the toilet and becomes almost unwatchable thanks to the dire colour quality.

CAMP BLOOD 2
A large improvement over the first film. Who would have thought?

Not only does the picture quality look much better, especially the colours (Yay! no more yellow people and orange/gold blood) but this time it seems the makers have also added some okay intentional humour (the scuzzy film guys are fun), more action, more nudity (a very nice pair of breasts during the opening of the first film I have to say...but a full frontal shower scene here tops it) and much better and more satisfying deaths and FX.

Though the film still stinks as far as plot and dialogue goes (though the lead actress is doing better here than in the first film, despite still looking shockingly ungainly when running) and you have to wonder how a suspected, judged insane, multiple murderess is allowed out alone, back to the place she supposedly killed, to help make a movie!
But the fact the film shoehorns in lots of verbal plot explanation and footage from the first film at least means you don't actually need to own the crappy first film to watch this. Hooray!

Whereas the deaths in "Camp Blood 1" were nothing but a bit of blood and a machete with a half moon cut out of the blade that was placed over arms and heads, in the sequel we actually have proper FX set-ups.
The deaths are all more violent and gory and even rather nasty.
Sure the effects work is primitive, but it still works, still delivers and it's nice to see some good, on-set, CGI free, old school FX anyway.
Highlights are a messy machete through the mouth/back of the head, a pulpy burnt face, a nasty eye gouging, a hacked off hand with spurting stump, a machete through the chest and much general blood spraying.

It's cheap, it's got some bad lines for even worse actors to say, it has a major plot holes, looks cheap (though better) and has many moments of badness that should never have seen the light of day.
And yet i still quite enjoyed it! Unlike the first film.

The sometimes nasty deaths, large body count (also helped by the kills from the first film appearing again), the fun gore FX and an incident packed screenplay were all the positives that the first film never had, and here they help to counteract the many negatives.
Shucks! Give it at least one go, just avoid the first one.

CAPT. HORATIO HORNBLOWER R.N.
Damn fine seafaring funstuffs!
Sure we have American involvement (Gregory Peck does a great job though, English or not) but at it's heart this is solid British fare with some great model work for the battles, a fast moving and engaging plot and a fine cast.

CASH ON DEMAND
A generally forgotten, outside of 'Hammer' devotes, thriller/drama from Britain's highest profile horror studio that sees Peter Cushing's cold, dour, stuffy and bitter Bank Manager having a very bad day indeed when a sly and icy cool Andre Morel arrives at his bank one morning and announces he's going to rob the place...with Cushing's help.

A slight tale this may be, but the (mostly set in two rooms) tight script, top class acting by Morel and Cushing (Morel especially has great fun), some genuinely tense set-pieces and a couple of mostly very effective twists ensure this fast paced little film (about 70 minutes) always entertains
And if the ending is rather twee thanks to another late twist you have to remember that the film is set just before Christmas and you don't always need 'spirits' to make people see the error of their ways.
Dickens' would have approved.

CHARLEY VARRICK
A nice turn by Wlater Matthau, yet another solid slime bag turn by Andy Robinson and a fine 'bad ass' turn by that 70's staple Joe Don Baker!
Great 70's style violence and a very un-PC attitude to women as well, who are either whores, slapped around types who know it's best to give a man some loving to avoid another slap, or just 'free spirits' who take a shine to any rough 'n' tough guy they've just met and jump into bed with them!
The 70's...Fucking movie heaven!

CHATO'S LAND
Despite the blanket, often blind, negative criticism of any Michael Winner/Bronson film and the instant labelling of any such enterprise as trashy sleaze, "Chato's Land" is in fact a western very heavy on characterisation more than action.
An hour in and no one has died bar the pre-credit corpse that starts the posse (led by a thoughtful Jack Palance) off after Chato in the first place.

Winner goes out of his way (a brief forced stripping and a couple of shadowed full frontal shots) to avoid the kind of hardcore sensationalism that we would see in the likes of "Death Wish 2".The fact that the greatest threat to the posse (a sterling cast of solid support actors like Richard Basehart, James Whitmore, Simon Oakland, Ralph Waite and a still up and coming Richard Jordan) after Chato is themselves as internal struggles, hates and differing outlooks on justice conspire to rip them apart.

Bronson has little in the way of dialogue but looks magnificently rugged and sports a great physique (at odds with his great baggy, craggy face in fact!) and handles the sparse action scenes well.
But it is perhaps Palance who is the real surprise here. At first (as he equips himself for the posse and gets dressed in his faded Confederate uniform) he seems like he's going to give us another of his scene chewing, steely eyed villains to enjoy, but as the movie progresses we see in fact that his character is emotionally deep and fascinating. He's full of contradictions, bitterness, loss and corrupted thoughts of what justice means and how far any man should go. A conflict that leads to an unexpected finale for his character.

So forget the critics, "Chato's Land" may not be a masterpiece but it's perhaps the most thoughtful, multi-layered and serious work Winner has ever done, and shows (along with the original, superb, "Death wish") that there can be (or perhaps could have been) more to Winner than meets the eye.

CHRISTINE
Carpenter's last film without deadly flaws.
Great set-pieces, great soundtrack, all round solid support characters and choice dialogue. And that car is to die for indeed!

CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD
Lucio Fulci in his directing prime.
Wonderful set design, wonderful cinematography, great gore, great score, likeable characters, nasty as hell zombies (who can just appear right behind you and scrunch your brains out) great underground fiery finale...but a crapped up ending, that's made worse as the rest of the film is just fine.
Fulci has gathered together a top 'B' cast that has that essential English/American/Italian mixture of Thesps, including the greatest of all Italian sleaze actors John 'Mr Radice' Morghen, the oh so fair English totty that is Catriona MacColl and looking for work ex Hollywood star Christopher 'I've worked with John Wayne' George.
We have a superb opening, with a wonderful graveyard crawl and Fabio Fizzi's excellent music, a groovy (damn near iconic) head drill murder, actors spitting out maggots, a gross-out (definatly iconic) intestine spewing death, nasty brain mulching, a shock death of a main character, that outrageous buried alive rescue sequence, a drifing fog enshrouded town, crazy ass teleporting zombies and a blow up doll!
What more do you want!? Okay, not a crud ending...but aside from that....what more do you want!?

CLUB DREAD
Heard good things on a podcast. Picked it up cheap.
I hate 'Bro' comedy (fuck 'em, wheres Jason and his machete when you need him!?) but this, after the weak 'obnoxious Bro/broad characters' opening, was GREAT FUN!

A very nice homage/parody to classic era Slasher flicks, with some very nice ladies, some pretty likeable characters (amazingly) and lots of very funny spoof humour.
Worked as a comedy. worked as a Slasher, amazingly entertaining...and the last few minutes were utter GENIUS! Especially that last shot!
Essential viewing.

COCOANUTS (THE)
Sure you have to take context and time in to view...But that does not mean it gives a film a get out of jail free card and "Cocoanuts" sadly spends much of its running time behind bars.

The stage origins are obvious and stodgy.
Groucho (amazingly) seems very hesitant at times and seems to be fighting not to trip up over his own words in his first scene.
The musical numbers are achingly terrible.
The stolen necklace/real estate subplots (and awful actors in them) drag the film to a halt.
Not all of the word play/gags are actually that good (especially compared to the genius that would follow).
And only when Chico and Harpo appear 20 minutes in does the film gain any kind of energy. And at last Groucho seems more at ease as well.

Yes I know how old it is, yes I know that this was their first feature length film and they had a lot to learn, yes the bad DVD print does not help, yes we know what was entertaining then (as in Christ awful musical hall songs and dances) and understand why it's all in the film...
But none of that changes the facts that, a few pretty good Marx Brothers moments aside (the "Vhy a duck" and the 'Auction' skits are great), "Cocoanuts" is quite simply not very good and dated in all the wrong ways.
It was thankfully up from here....

COLD PREY
Snowy Slasher shenanigans from Norway that sees a bunch of snowboarding tourists being stalked by a nutter with a pickaxe inside an abandoned hotel.

A slow build-up for sure, but we at least have some time to deliver some fleshed out characters that we can care about and the film is expertly handlds as far as suspense goes.
Could have been a bit more gruesome, but the violence is there and we have a bit of bloodshed to entertain. Could have gone further though.

The killer is your silent hulk type, but he's creepy enough and has a good (if simple) backstory that gets more interesting in the sequel.

One plot mess-up though...They are in a hotel abandoned since the 70's and they still think they are alone. But they fail to have any acknowledgment at all of a LIT LAMP on a table in a secret room they're checking out!
That aside though..."Cold Prey" is solid, well made, well acted and with some effective shocks and scares.

COLD PREY 2: RESURRECTION
Following on directly from the end of the first film and set in a hospital, this sequel to "Cold Prey" has strong similarities to "Halloween 2".

But the very noticeable differences in the way "Halloween" and "Halloween 2" were made never really made it feel like one long film.
The very similar feel and style though (despite a different director this time) to "Cold Prey" and "Cold Prey 2" truly make this feel like one epic Slasher movie...and both movies benefit from this strong narrative and stylistic link.

The gore and violence are upped a bit here and the film plays a bit more slam bang than the first movie, but it still has a deliberate build-up to the killing just like its predecessor.
But again this gives us some pretty well rounded characters to care about and gives us time to learn a bit more about the killer.
The film also has some unusual twists and turns during the last third that keep you on your toes as you never truly know how things are going to play out.

Thankfully though the ending is satisfying and (one moment of very bad, especially considering who it involves, 'why does she not finish him off' scripting) "Cold Prey 2" is s fine sequel that makes the two films feel like one epic film...and that makes for a very entertaining bit of modern Slasher funstuffs.

CORRUPTOR (THE)
Some top notch, brutal action a great car chase/shoot-out and of course the oh so wonderful Chow Yun Fat.
better than I remembered it from my first viewing years ago, but it's perhaps too long and starts to flag by the 70 minute mark.
Still a good solid bit of action/drama on a nice R2 DVD.

COTTAGE TO LET
Superb British wartime spy drama with an utterly wonderful cast including the much missed Sir John Mills as a mysterious pilot, the wonderful Alastair Sim as a mysterious house guest, an astonishingly young George Cole (in his debut) as a cocksure refugee boy with a love of Sherlock Holmes, a young Michael Wilding as a geeky assistant and Leslie Banks as an eccentric scientist working on a new bomb sight in a house PACKED with British and Nazi spies.

Cole is a joy and shows right from his first scene just what an astonishingly assured talent he is. He's the cliche Cockney scamp playing the thing for lighthearted fun for the most part, but has a brilliantly dark scene later on as he experiences his first taste of betrayal.
Sim is of course excellent switching from amusingly eccentric to darkly sinister with ease.
It was here he met the young Cole who he would basically adopt and nurture for years hitting the perfect acting partnership a few years later in "The Belles of St Trinians".
Ironically Leslie Banks would go from being surrounded by Nazi spies to being a Nazi spy years later in the truly superb Ealing (pre-"The Eagle has Landed) German invasion of an English village movie "Went the Day Well?".
Some great twists and revelations unfold as this wonderful mix of light humour, stiff upper lip resilience and exciting wartime thrills plays out and all in all this is essential viewing.

What adds an extra edge to this film now is that it was made in 1941 when the outcome of the war was uncertain and Germany could very well have triumphed...Meaning we can say for certain that "Cottage to Let" would have never been seen ever again if the same bravery, good fortune and fighting spirit acted out in the film had not triumphed in real life.

COWBOYS (THE)
An excellent ride on the range with The Duke!
A film that manages the hard feat of being both sentimental and funny as well as harsh and gritty.
Another underrated latter day Wayne film.

CRANK
Violent, twisted, exciting, funny, comic strip, un-pc funstuffs, with the ever welcome Jason Statham in top form backed by a lovely and astute turn by Amy Smart who knows how things are going down and plays what could have been the one weak link in the film to perfection.
Mad, bad and surely one of a kind?.....

CRANK 2: High Voltage
Holy Hell!
"Crank" was so far off the map and damn bonkers that surely the human mind could not take a parody of it?
By definition something that would have to be an even more absurdist take on what was the most enjoyably absurd action flick ever.
Well...they did it anyway!

Absolutely psychotic and surrealist to the max, wickedly offensive as possibly to absolutely everyone it should be offensive to, just as violent and( astonishingly) sexually even more crazy than the first film.
How anyone let these guys go mad in a sandpit with millions of dollars is anyone's guess.

Mind shredding things happen just because it's fun for them to do so with no real world logic (or even plot progression), characters have completely way out and wild physical and mental afflictions just so a couple of groovy joke scenes can be harvested from them (and why not!), absolutely everyone is fantastically racist, sexist and generally vile to everyone else in a very loud way, grotesque physical trauma, death and mutilation is dished out with relish, and just as we think our brain can't surely take any more of this screaming insanity.....Gigantic human Godzilla's are suddenly thrown into the mix along with a completely bonkers return of a character form the first film done in such a way that the entire shrieking mass of the movie is catapulted into a whole other dimension of freakiness.

And quite frankly we should all wallow in this gloriously putrid pit of anti-movie insanity, as the makers won't get away with creating such a monster again!

CRIMSON PIRATE (THE)
A delightful, rousing blast from my childhood past.
Bright, gaudy, visually epic, superbly made and enthusiasticly acted by all concerned it still remains a fun watch all these years later.
And Burt Lancaster in his athletic, acrobatic, teeth flashing prime is a pleasure to experience for any film fan. What a guy!

CROSS OF IRON
Good stuff from Sam Pekinpah with a great turn by Coburn and a brilliantly effective attention to realism and detail in the hardware, weapons and uniforms.
But I have two moans.
One is the inconsistent style in the approach to violence. Some slow motion carnage is bullet-hole ridden and bloody, while other similar sequences are not only totally bloodless but don't even show bullet holes in clothes.
The other is the end. It's rather unsatisfying from a narrative point of view it has to be said. Luckily the in your face, real life photos of global conflict between the titles save the day somewhat.

CROSSROADS
A tale of the Blues and the Delta using the famous old legend that Bluesman Robert Johnson sold his soul to The Devil at a crossroads to become King of the Blues.
A nice slide guitar score by the always welcome (where is he now?) Ry Cooder, some great location shooting in the Deep South and overall a good, solid, if slightly overlong, bit of 80's entertainment from Walter Hill.
Nice turn by Joe Seneca (nasty Government guy in "The Blob") as the old Blues man, Blind Willy.
Steve Vai is The Devil's guitar gladiator of choice for the wonderful 'guitar duel' finale.
Smug Ralph Macchio? Currently residing in the 'where are they now' file.

One for Blues fans...and if you ain't no Blues fan? Kiss my pick!

CRUISING
Hmmm.....
Given the level of homophobia at the time you can see why this caused trouble.
But it never stated it was a representation of the entire Gay scene (no more than wife swapping and 'dogging' is of the Hetro scene!) and today the wildly over the top protests seem like the same kind of thin-skinned hot air that (ironically) would come from Bible thumping homophobes for the film covering anything Gay in the first place.

As for the film itself it's sadly hard to fully judge given the amount of footage excised that has not been restored.
Certainly the first hour is damn good, with some great scenes of 70's sexual decadence, a nasty murder, Al Pacino in fine form and some great songs.
The new transfer looks absolutely stunning and Friedkin's criticised tinkering (blue tinting the night-club scenes, adding a 'smeared juddering' effect to the Amyl Nitrate dance scene) are actually very effective and the sudden, brief, lurch from blue-tint into bright colour, as Pacino sniffs the drug, is a superb enhancement.
But an hour in the film leaves much of the nighcrawling and S/M club hopping behind and turns into a mainly daylight set Police procedure film with some obvious chunks of character/plot footage missing.
The film now drags a lot sadly and loses it's groove and exploitation edge and the rumoured censored sexual images in the S/M clubs would be most welcome during this period.

The generally confused, utterly incomprehensible as far as the identity (or not) of the killer (or killers) and who was killed by whom, ending sort of works on a 'crime is random and ever present' level that Friedkin said he was going for...but this is in the end a movie and the utter lack of any real conclusion to anything is a bit of a con.
The final image is a good one though and is edited perfectly into the driving end credits.

Certainly a film with some great moments, certainly a film that is not what too many people think it is, certainly NOT a homophobic film and certainly a well acted and crafted film.
But also a film with some major flaws in pacing and lack of grit later on and with a perhaps too oblique a conclusion to truly be the mini-classic it could have been.
Perhaps if a restored print does appear this ultimate conclusion could be reversed though.

CRYING TREE (THE)
Cheapy cheap cheap SOV Thai Slasher flick that entertains despite itself.
The way people act and react, and the frequent fade to black explicitly defined scene endings, make it feel like a TV soap. The high end video look does not help matters either in this respect.

Also the script is full of logic holes (despite guests being butchered at this resort almost every night nothing is really done about it by the Police or owners, who would ever accept a lift from a driver wearing a hood and balaclava!) and repeats itself to a near farcical level (some random guy pops up, really sleazes it up with the, VERY cute, lead female character and promptly ends up stabbed and slashed with their heart cut out...repeat about 5 times with almost no change) and you have to wonder if going to a Thai resort is a good idea as the staff seems to be made up of very angry young men who pull knives on people at the slightest whim!

The gore is mostly aftermath wounds, bloody blades and much blood spurting from mouths and dodgy looking rubber hearts.
But there's an energy to it, the kills are just bloody and violent enough, the lead actress is absolutely gorgeous, the barmy plotting and characters entertain with much unintentional humour and there is a pretty good little twist at the end.
Barely average fare in general, cheap, silly, but surprisingly still quite good fun.

CURSE OF THE WEREWOLF
Wow! Two whole werewolf sequences in the entire film and one of them was at the end.
Very overrated 'Hammer' effort.
We do have a great looking werewolf and a few some good scenes but it takes far too long getting anywhere.

DAMNED (THE)
Visconte's lush expose of a German industrial Family as the Nazis come to power.

Wonderful sets and costumes and great cinematograohy enhance a rather overly melodramatic soap opera plot about the world's most disfunctional, warped, twisted and self-destructive family tearing each other to pieces against the backdrop of Hitler's power play, the slaughter of the SA during the 'Night of the Long Knives' and the push to war.

A top cast includes the debut of Euro fave Helmut Berger who steals the show as the paedarist, mother loving dandy who goes from a twisted, frightened, pitiful man-child to ruthless Nazi powermonger.
Berger looks absolutely fantastic and dangerously erotic in his Nazi uniform and the film is chock full of striking images of bloodshed, shadowed perversion and fascist decadence.
Indeed anyone with a fetish for Nazi uniforms (say what you want about their beliefs, but they sure knew how to dress!) will cream at the hordes of black and silver decorated SS men adorning the screen, and those that appreciate stunningly well made, expertly acted, 70's, Euro arthouse cinema will find much to enjoy and appreciate here.

DANTE 01
It's French. It's Sci-Fi, it's a French Sci-Fi film...and that's just not a good thing for all the obvious cliche's that are actually true.
Barely coherent nonsense that shoe-horns Hell, God, Jesus, Biblical terminology and religious iconography into a basic 'prison in space' set-up.

Mysterious experiments carried out on the inmates are given much flashy visual time...and are then completely ignored as we never learn what they are for, what they do, or what happens after.
Oh well.
'Weird new arrival guy with alien stuff in him who eats all our octopus monsters' turns into Jesus Christ and puts out the universe's biggest fire, people get bashed and stabbed and nothing makes any real sense and makes no sense by using wildly over the top CGI visual effects that seem like the makers were all tripping at the time.

Looks good, has a couple of nice violence moments...nothing else worthwhile at all and at the end of the day it's a right load of up its own arse French poncy nonsense! Yes!
Avoid.

DARK ANGEL
Great fun as Dolph Lundgren tracks down an alien drug dealer.
Chock full of 80's action, violence and with enjoyable sci-fi decorations added to the cop/gangster plot.
Some great one liners as well with Dolph's final line to the alien STILL holding up as a classic comeback!

DAY OF THE DEAD *spoiler*
Vastly underrated film.
Great music and some of the most entertaining characters around. Rhodes is a psychotic delight with some wonderfully acid rants, Steele and Rickles are great fun,
Dr.Logan is a warped gem (and his Mother rants are a joy), Sarah is sexy but tough, John is a delight with his wacky Jamaican accent and has some great speeches, (especially the one about why God decided "to curse usss...perhaps he thought we was getting too big for our breeches") and McDermot is lots of likaeble fun too.
And Bub is one of the best creations in horror! I love that guy! Superbly acted as well (by Howard Sherman) under Tom Savini's subtle make-up job.
Hell! All aspects of this film are wonderful and I've have not even mentioned the zombies and the gore, both of which are finely executed with some of Savini's best work and Joseph Pilato's famous ad-lid, as they drag Rhode's legs away, just gets better.
And the shrieking screams as the soldier gets his head ripped off by his eyeballs is truly unnerving!
Some faults...the 'shock' at the helicopter is a bit naff, and a couple of the Zombies are not that well acted. Otherwise though...Classic material.

DEAD BIRDS
Overly slow, but has some good gore, some excellent visuals and FX and a nice creepy atmosphere.
Some of the dialogue is dreadfully muted though (the dialogue in the bedroom scene was so bad I had to flick on the subtitles!) and the twist was harder to grasp details wise once you really started to think about it.
Good stuff though in general.

DEAD AND BREAKFAST
Rather messy in the plot department, but otherwise this was a lot of fun.
It has a lot of heart and spirit, some well done gore, mostly successful humour and some great song interludes.
Generally it adds up to solid Halloween funstuffs.

DEADLY STRIKE
Police Captain Bruce Li gets together a gang of convicts to take down some nasty bandits in this damn fine slice of period kung fu mayhem.
Li does not try the Lee impressions until the end (where we have the cuts to the chest and cheek bare chested look) and shows that he was a pretty good martial artist in his own right and as such you can see why he hated the 'Bruce Lee clone' career he had.

What makes this such a fun watch (away from the great dubbed dialogue and voices, somehow just essential for such films) is the sheer amount of kick ass, old school, fights the film contains, with some crazy bad guys (dwarf/giant team-up where the short guy stand on the big guy's shoulders, 5 crazy synchronised 'Snake-Fu' monks etc), mucho violence and some superb one on one action that delivers some class old school moves and skills.

There's a surprising darkness to the film at times as well, despite some of the intentional comedy characters and unintentional comedy dialogue/performances, and Bruce Li's character is truly ruthless. At one point you think he's making a threat to make a point and he won;t actually do what he threatened...but he does, and it's cold-blooded stuff.
And when added to the violent deaths of some of the good guys and an ending scene that seems to hint at a drop into raving insanity for Li...this is pretty grim at times.

But luckily not grim enough to hurt the genuine fun the film provides as one of the best, straight ahead, almost non-stop brilliant action old school kung fu flicks.
Plus we have a nicked score that oozes Spaghetti Western origins.

D.O.A - DEAD OR ALIVE
Again, why the hate for this. it's an openly non-martial artist filled, totally fantasy movie based on a freakin computer game!
How much of an idiot would you have to be to go in expecting another Bruce Lee movie?

The leading ladies (Hot! Hot! Hot!) handle the fights well and are suitably flexible. We know thay are using CGI and wires to make the fights look good (and they do for this type of action), we know that before the damn film even starts. So why bitch about it later? Don't watch the film if it's that big a deal.

And lets not forget that most of the elitist martial arts fanboys (I've been a fan for nearly 2 decades myself but have thankfully not got that stick up my arse) who have criticised this flick not only seem to have forgotten how to have fun, but tend to forget that Hong Kong cinema has been using extensive wire-work, doubles and undercranking to enhance fight scenes for years.
Since the 80's Nu Wave hit, Chinese non-martial artists have been made to look like good screen fighters via doubles, wires and tricks.
Especially many of the ever popular 'battling Babes' like Moon Lee. So why the reverse racsism at sniping at white non-martial arts actors doing the same thing!?
Hell, Jet Li used extensive wire work to pull things off in "Once Upon a Time in China".

None of these fights were meant to be realistic, no one was actually being fooled into thinking freakin Holly Valance was a skilled martial arts fighter were they!?
The fights were fun, inventive and well staged. The characters were likeable, the women were gorgeous and sexy and did what they were meant to do very well.
It was undemanding, fast paced, popcorn fun with the added extra of a hell of a lot of stunning women leaping around in bikinis and revealing costumes flashing their knickers, bouncing their breasts, baring their thighs and having what looked like a lot of fun doing it!

It was what it was, it never tried to be anything else...so if you have a hang-up about a fun film packed with sexy women that's your sad problem just don't go and see the film in the first place!
The rest of us can have fun in peace then!

DEADLY SILVER SPEAR
The legend that is Wang Yu as a spear toting assassin
One of those stupidly complicated plots of cross and double cross and some wonderfully crap dubbing and dialogue (with much evil laughing).
But the weapons are fun, the fights with them are well done and entertaining (with lots of OTT sound effects) and the snowy setting makes a nice change of locale for the bloody finale (thanks to the villian's limb chopping 'circular saw frizbee of death'!)

DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR
Still good stuff!
Some nicely violent action, a suitably cheesy and likeable heroic attitude by Fred Dryer, lots of groovy explosions, suitably nasty villains and it's unashamed in it's flag waving...but in a fun way.
And given the state of the World today...Not that far off actually!

DEATH HUNT
Starring the mighty man stew of Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin and featuring a support cast of well known Canadians and Americans (all directed by an Englishman) this excellent, if slightly flabby, mixture of fact (the legendary 1930's Canadian Mountie manhunt of 'The Mad Trapper') and fiction (Bronson's wronged man on the run plot) is a violent slice of Western-tinged entertainment that deserves a much bigger following.

Inanely criticised at the time for not sticking to the facts of the real case this does in fact simply, openly, use the 'Mad Trapper' case only as background material (as Bronson is not the 'Mad Trapper', just wrongly labelled as such, and the actual Mad Trapper is a completely separate character in the film) to base an fictional story on.
Indeed this fiction uses the fact as a delicious slice of irony for the finale...despite the old hat 'based on a true story' blurb that appears at the start, the movie itself never pretends to be the real story.

Anyway, Bronson is in top stoic form (though he sadly - as in "Chato's Land" - is given no dialogue in the second half of the film) and Marvin gives an astute, tough, layered performance as the grizzled Mountie on his trail.
Some excellent early shootout/siege scenes pile on the blood and death before we settle down to an extended, snowy, manhunt that takes in some stunning scenery.

You could have lost the extended cameo by Angie Dickinson as Marvin's off and on bed companion to tighten the pace up, but overall this is a fine, bloody, action film with some excellent support performances (by the likes of Ed Lauter, Carl Weathers, Maury Chaykin and Andrew Stevens - who would team-up with Bronson 2 years later for the outrageously sleazy "10 to Midnight") and spot on lead turns by two tough as nails old pros doing what they do best!

DELTA FORCE (THE)
An amazing support cast is shipped in to do ultimately very little in most cases (Shelley Winters, Martin Balsam, Bo Svenson, George Kennedy, Robert Vaughn, Joey 'I knew big Frank' Bishop, Susan Strasberg, Kim Delaney) as Chuck Norris and an ancient (but still cool) Lee Marvin rush (with their Delta Force buddies, including good old 'Cannon Films' staple Steve James) to save a bunch of hostages from Robert Forster's evil Arab terrorists who have hijacked their plane.
And seeing as this IS a 'Cannon' film the anti-Jewish stance of the hijackers is applied very thickly indeed (with many explicit nods to the Nazi's and the concentration camps coming via the German air hostess who is made to point out the Jewish passengers) as 'Cannon' co-head honcho Menahem Golan takes the directorial chair.
WHAT? Islamic terrorists hijacking planes and singling out the Jews for special treatment? Who writes this fantasy?
Shocking to think that things are even worse in 2006 as far as these things are concerned than they were in 1986 when this flick opened.

Some overly confusing moments concerning the plane aside (where it is and who is still left on it) this is good solid 80's action that is basically a film split into two halves.
The first hour is all about the passengers and the crew at the mercy of the terrorists (Forster hams it up to pretty good effect) while the second half mainly leaves the plane as the hostages are moved around from one hideout to another as Delta Force close in.
Cheesy action and super cheesy dialogue and posturing is the name of the game here of course, but the first half is pretty serious in it's execution so as to give the action heavy last hour some grounding in reality (even as Rocket firing motorbikes zoom around!).
Pretty much laughed at when it came out due to the fact it was seen (probably rightly) as a fantasy Delta Force repair job, after some high profile cock-ups (including a plane hijack rescue that saw as many dead hostages as hijackers) of the real Delta Force, but as an epic action flick it holds up and as mentioned...is still scarily relevant.

DEVIL'S REJECTS (THE)
What a ride!
How the hell anyone can slag Rob Zombie off for making two of the best, balls-out, fuck you, nasty, exploitative and just plain cruel exercises in extreme modern cinema is beyond me!
So it was not original (whatever the hell that means today) big deal! Neither are any of Tarantino's films in content...but they are as a whole and it's the same here.
Yes there was lot's of homages, tricks and general ideas from other films, but seeing as there are only about 5 totally original ideas in cinema anyway, so what?

This sequel to "House of 1000 Corpses" changed many of that film's video stylings and was more cinematic in technique, but again combined a very modern kenetic energy with 70's ingredients and attitude to perfection.
It moved the characters on, had fun with them but never made them anything but sadistic villians, never (at least in the unrated print) avoided showing the cruelty and destruction of their actions.
It has delightfully well rounded and damaged 'good guys', had some well used cameos by some well loved people (how great to see Geoffrey Lewis again after so long!), had a fast pace that still took time for characterisation and yet again showed just how good Zombie is at not just the technical side (via some well utilised visual tricks and music) of film making but also the artistic side.

Quite frankly this film delivered. It was easily the nastiest and most exploitative film I've seen from any remotely mainstream source for a long time (the whole scene in the motel room was all out, 70's hard assed, in your face exploitation...end of) and watched back to back with "Corpses" it makes for the harshest, satisfying, respectful and just plain entertaining 70's throwback I for one have ever seen since those days.
How the hell every fan of horror, extreme exploitation and 70's Grindhouse sensibilities could not have had a ball with these flicks is beyond me
In a World of disgraceful, tame, safe, cop-out, tired, drab films like "Wrong Turn", "Freddy vs Jason", "Ghost Ship", "Halloween 5000" etc etc etc, Rob Zombie's films are a total delight and a truly welcome event.

DEATHSTALKER
Cheese, trash, cheese, breasts, breasts, silliness, blood, trash, mud, breasts, cheese, breasts, silliness, trash, sleaze, silliness, blood, cheese, silliness and more breasts.
A rare case of the often over-used saying 'so bad it's good' actually being 100% correct.

DEATH WISH 3
Supremely silly, full of huge plot holes and logic failings and about as far from the gritty, realistic and serious original as you can get.
BUT it was lots of cheesy, camp, 80's Americana fun and violence and Bronson is at his deadpan best.

DESERT RATS (THE)
Top turn by the late great Richard Burton, a nice cameo reprisal of his "Desert Fox" Rommel by James Mason, some fine action with a good utilisation of actual war footage.
Rather melodramatic...but that adds to the charm.

DOOM
Rather too much walking around in the dark shooting a lot of bullerts but not actually hitting anything. And it was a bit sluggish to start off.
But the second half picked up, and 'First Person Shooter' sequence was great fun!
Also a big round of applause for doing what they did with The Rock's character, especially given his popular hero actor status. A brave and unusual move.
Not as good as it could have been, but certainly much better than it could have ended up. Well worth a watch, and it was really fun seeing Ben Daniels from BBC drama "Cutting It" as a bible thumping space marine!

DOWNFALL
There was nothing really new here, no great revelations as far as Hitler and the bunker were concerned but the things happening outside the bunker were very interesting as it's not really been shown.
Bruno Gantz was superb as Hitler (everyone was excellent actually) and it had wonderful production values and technically it was brilliant.
The running time went suprisngly fast as well. It was well paced throughout.
I still don't really believe that the secretary new nothing though, not after being Hitler's own private secretary for nearly 3 years.
I remember when the superb "World at War" Tv series spent months getting her to speak for the first time all those years ago.
Well worth a watch.

DR. STRANGELOVE
Excellent movie.
Top script and performances. More proof that (first half of "Full Metal Jacket" aside) the only Kubrick worthy of the hype is his older B&W work.
This and "The Killing" are as good as he got...and "Dr Strangelove" is top stuff.
As sharp as a scalpel, let down only by being too short. The amazing cast alone is reason to watch!

DRACULA'S DAUGHTER
You know the film has problems when Dracula suddenly turns into Richard Nixon!
I kid you not...At the start the close-up of the dead Dracula in the coffin (with no Lugosi to use) was obviously some guy in a bad plastic mask that some blind creature thought looked like Lugosi. But no, it's the spitting image of Nixon!
Go look...Go on...See? Yeah! NIXON!
Not a good start.

Thankfully things improve with the introduction of Drac's Daughter (not literally we assume unless Drac did the dirty) who is actually a haunted individual who is desperately trying to get rid (!??) of the Vampyric curse she is under.
A nice stately turn by the striking Gloria Holden.
Otto Kruger as the friend of, the now arrested for murder, Van Helsing (nice touch!) is another plus.
At least when he spars with his female assistant. Their scenes play like something from a 40's comedy thriller.
He's less impressive as a hero though and when not bouncing off his assistant.

Some good scenes here of course, especially the startlingly erotic seduction scene when Drac's Daughter invites a young woman to her house to be painted.
This is surprisingly explicit in its allusions to lesbianism and it works wonderfully...and the lack of fangs (I assume for censorship reasons) means the sexual aspect is actually increased as the bite looks more like a kiss.

But sadly the film is hampered by lack of real incident. It sort of just hangs around for a while not doing much and repeating similar scenes until all of a sudden we move all the leads from London to Transylvania so suddenly and quick that it seems "Star Trek" transporters have already been invented.
The finale is also a damp splat of nothingness as all is suddenly wrapped up out of nowhere (film running out guys?) with an act that is never even explained as purposeful or accident despite being the big ending to it all.

Great in parts, weak as hell in others...so we only scrape into average overall here.
Certainly not a patch on the Lugosi film.

DRACULA: PRINCE OF DARKNESS
Highly overrated, ho hum 'Hammer' with a psychotic mime Dracula (oh the silly faces Lee pulls) who does almost nothIng after finally gracing up with his appearence. Has a few good moments (like the famous, cold blooded, throat slashing) and Barbara Shelley is watchable, but please...'Hammer' have done much better than this!
Basically it's a Sunday afternnoon TV costume drama with a bit of blood added.

DRAG ME TO HELL
Nice to see our Sam getting back to his whacked-out horror roots with a fine little film that manages to mix his hyper-kinetic, slapstick, horror violence (though no real gore sadly) and sticky fluid throwing with top notch FX work and high tech gloss.

Nicely played by all, this is packed with memorable moments, but perhaps it does blow its load too early with the truly stunning, laugh out loud funny, gross, exciting, creepy as hell car park fight scene, as our heroine, Christine, fights off the rampaging power of a pissed off old Gypsy woman with a grotesque eye and even worse dentures.
This is easily one of the finest moments in Raimi's career.

From then on we have some good and well crafted scares and smackdowns as Christine's 'dragged to Hell' possible fate gets nearer.
Raimi astutely plays these fright scenes for (for the most part) black comic laughs and the chance to pile on the slapstick violence.
This ensures the incidents become purely entertainment, instead of seriously delivered false scares, which would have been a huge and costly mistake as the plot has explicity told us that actually...she's not in the slightest bit of real danger yet.

Fans of his early work will relish the muck, filth, vomit, goo and blood plastered all over these scenes as well as the 'Three Stooges' level of bodily abuse.
And almost all the effects are expertly rendered and imaginative.
And if it wasn't for one easily avoidable cock-up near the end involving far too much (needlessly and easily avoided) fuss being made about something happening that should barely have got any coverage at all...The film would also have ended as effectively as the journey to that ending most certainly was.
The ending itself is perfectly fine...Raimi just blew the possible effectiveness of it by foolishly telling us pretty much what was going to happen 10 minutes or so before.

The film also has some plot hiccups as far as huge jumps in the narrative go, which makes me think a number of bridging scenes were cut.
For example Christine goes from walking out of a dinner, to a bust up at the Indian Seer's shop, to her trying to gather money together to pay for help when all of a sudden her boyfriend comes in and says he has paid the Seer!
But as far as we are shown the boyfriend was never with her during any of these scenes, she has had no contact with him and has no idea at all about the need for money or what it's for.
And seeing as only Christine can see and hear what she does...there is actually no sense in her uber-sceptical boyfriend suddenly becoming uncertain about what he believes.
It seems some kind of rushed editing of screenplay or actual footage shot was the order of the day.

Basically though..."Drag me to Hell" was a nice return to his roots for Raimi and, although disappointingly low on gore, it delivers tons of fast paced, slam bang supernatural violence, laughs and thrills.

DRIVE
I bet Steve Wang and co were pissed off when the vastly inferor "Rush Hour" films became such widely distributed hits, when their 'East meets West' movie (which did it all before and did it so much better) suffered an inglorious fate until the recent UK DVD.
Some great comedy/drama interplay between the leads and some fantastically inventive, violent and amazingly skillful (Mark Dacascos is in top form) martial arts/action/stunt set-pieces.

DROP DEAD GORGEOUS
Lots of fun with a good cast (EllenBarkin has not aged a day since "Sea of Love"!) and some real laughs. A nice surpise.

DUCK SOUP
Easily the most anarchic and chaotic of the Marx's films and infamously rather a big flop (which ushered in a new contract with MGM, the more 'normal' plots and romantic leads/songs to tie down the madness...something that admittedly worked great at the box office), but there are some truly great moments here.
This has perhaps my favourite Groucho/Dumont exchange routine (that opens with the card gag) and it's also a joy to see the great Edgar Kennedy make a cameo as well and his scenes with Harp and Chico are lots of fun.
Groucho's swipes at the Ambassador are also wonderful.

But it a couple of the songs are unwelcome in the short running time (unless you like that sort of thing, I would say I hated all the romantic interlude songs in Marx Brothers films - but almost all fans do - but only really have time for half of the funny ones as well), the skeletal plot completely vanishes in a truly chaotic bunch of non-linear scenes and it's obvious that no way to really end this was ever truly thought out.
You can see why it became too much for 1930's audiences!

EDGE OF DARKNESS (2010)
Frustration!
Mad Mel is in fine form as the father out for revenge in this remake/re-imaging of the classic 80's BBC TV serial.
He kicks ass, takes no damn shit, has some great dialogue and handles the action well.
And the action is very good and delightfully meaty and bloody.
An early shotgun death is expertly crafted splatter, a hit and run scene is just amazing and the (overly rushed) finale is full of spurting bullet hits.

The plot is pretty engaging, Ray Winstone is in top cool-ass mean bastard mode in support, the other cast are all fine too and the film looks great and moves at a good pace.
So what's the problem?

***MINI SPOILERS******

Well we have some rather silly plotting here.
Contaminated milk used to poison a person left in their fridge (!?) bad guys who follow Mel in the exact same big ass SUV all the time despite them already knowing Mel has spotted them earlier (!) and scenes that go nowhere at all:

One is a really bizarre sequence that literally serves no purpose and you would never, ever, know it ever existed if it went.
Mel is in his kitchen and is kidnapped, captured, escapes and ends up back in the kitchen, all in...i kid you not...3 minutes!
You have no idea why they even bothered to kidnap him (we already know they had no need to do anything to him by this point), we had no idea what they actually wanted to do with him (they tie him to a table) and I swear to God the entire sequence plays no part in the way the film plays out at all. Bizarre, annoying and just plain stupid.

And yet again Hollywood finances American self-hate when it turns out the American bad guys/Government are making untraceable nuclear bombs so if they have to they can make one look like a Jihadist dirty bomb.
YEAH, because as we all know....9/11 was an inside job and Jihadists simply make cookies and sing about love all day and would never actually use dirty bombs.......they're always stitched up by those damn Americans is all!
Why this garbage was written into the film is anyone's guess (it's not in the TV series), but given some of the the self-loathing/enemy propaganda movies churned out by Hollywood over the last 9 years I guess it comes as no surprise.

A shame really as otherwise I like this, and Mel dishes out some damn fine violence and spit ass hate filled dialogue, the support cast is solid and the film exciting and engaging
Not too sure about the 'off to heaven we go' last scene though.

ESCAPE TO VICTORY
An evergreen treat!
Silly it may be, but it's damn fun and very entertaining with a wonderfully weird mix of actors and sportsmen as the WW2 prisoners of war take on the German football team as the dastardly Nazis look on!
Another Caine gem!
If you don't enjoy this feel-good classic you need a damn soul transplant!

EXTREME CRISIS
Hong Kong action flick.
A nutty Japanese cult plans to explode a sarin bomb in Hong Kong and a vengeful Japanese cop teams-up with a vengeful Chinese cop to stop them.
Some good set pieces and stunts, lots of shooting, explosions and blood (easily the most hostage unfriendly film since "Hard Boiled"!) with a good few nods to "Die Hard".
But it's let down by the dialogue. It switches from Chinese to Japanese and to English with wild abandon, but most of the English is pretty awful!
It's hard to even take such dire pronouncement like "Hong Kong will be destroyed in 10 minutes" when the guy saying it says it in such bad English (Engerish).
In fact he sounds like the Kim Jong Il puppet from "Team America"!
Average stuff overall.

EXTREME PREJUDICE
Ultra violent funstuffs from Walter Hill.
Slowed down (although the topless scene was nice) only by the sappy female character involvement!
This is perhaps the ultimate macho, comic strip, MAN'S film ever!
And what a great cast! Micheal Ironside, Nick Nolte, Powers Boothe, William Forsythe, Rip Torn!

FANTASTIC MR FOX (THE)
Rather too old for my 5 year old Daughter, who I took to see it, because of the extensive dialogue driven plot as well as the dialogue based humour (rather low key humour at that) of much of the running time.
The almost other-worldly tempo of the dialogue deliver also made for a rather lethargic experience, so I say this is one for the older child. Though she still enjoyed the film, it did not have the effect that "Ice Age 3" or "Bolt" had on her.

But the occasional action was fun and well executed technically (nice to see good old fashioned stop motion) and if the character's body shape and ways of moving were damn strange at times, it fitted with the overall 'story book come to life' feel of the movie.
Different and generally entertaining, but really for older kids and fans of Roald Dahl's book.

FIRE DOWN BELOW
Stevie the Seagul fixes porches, dances, plays the guitar, cleans up the environment, romances and fixes the personal life of the local female misfit... and shoots, pounds and generally stomps on a lot of bad guys.
What more could one want?
Well, a plot that didn't wind it all up so quickly and from nowhere (it feels like someone noticed that the film was running out of the camera) would be nice...and a slimmer Seagal would also help (though at least he's not so baggy and saggy as he became later)...but overall this was a lot of cheesy, pantomime fun. With teeth smashed out!
Ahhh what the hell...just enjoy it and then go back to thinking later.

FIRST BLOOD
Still an evergreen classic, the first John J Rambo movie benefits no end from a top support cast.
Top of the top is Brian Dennehy as the bullish Sheriff who pushes too far. It's classic Dennehy and shows why this guy was so damn welcome in movies.
Add cult director Jack Starret as the bullying Deputy, a baby-faced David Caruso as the only sympathetic member of the Sheriff's dept and a now classic bit of cheese from Richard Crenna as the walking 'Rambo Is Great' advert (packed with melodramatic statements!) and you have a solid bedrock for Stallone to build his character upon.
Despite general snobbery Stallone is actually very good as the tragic 'Nam vet and handles the well staged action with great aplomb.
He makes Rambo a genuine 'force of nature' as manmade weapon easily establishes a symbiotic relationship with his surroundings.

And despite a few flaws (seeing as Rambo shoots up half the town for a good 15 minutes without a single police car appearing you have to wonder where the 500 cop cars come from in the last 5 minutes) director Ted Kotcheff has delivered a true crowd pleaser that not only works as action-packed popcorn entertainment but also as a solid drama with something to say.
Even the much criticised ending delivers an emotional weight.
True on first viewing (especially through an 80's cinema sound system or VHS tape) Stallone's delivery of the speech does make it hard to understand at times. But after a couple of viewings you can easily hear what he says and what he says is actually very moving and suitably bitter.

The icing on the top is the GREAT score by Jerry Goldsmith.

FLETCH
As funny as it ever was.
The humour is not dated at all even if the style has (it owes much to "Beverly Hills Cop" in it's design and delivery...as well as directly music wise of course!) but that just adds a nice retro feel to it.
Some classic moments include...the "Godfather" joke, the tennis club scenes (Dana Wheeler-Nicholson is a very sexy lady as well), the anal inspection ("Woh! Using the whole fist there Doc"?) and Cheve Chase's banter with Tim Matheson and GeenaDavis.
Always nice to have a bit of Joe Don Baker too!

FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
It's a bit too slow at getting to the meat of the matter, but when it does it's certainly lots of fun.
Kevin J O'Connor is as likable as ever and actually does an older version of his wonderful turn in the shockingly underrated "Deep Rising".
Some good gore (though it's often more blood than anything else, but that's a LOT of blood!), some great scenes of the zombies riping through the floor of the plane as if they were ripping through grave soil.
Some solid acting and fun characters help it a great deal as does some spot-on humour and the faults are really quite few.

But they are there;
Some of the CGI is pretty good, some is very ropey (mostly the blue screen backed work on close-up, about to be shot, zombie heads and some dodgy plane shots) and the film is wildly uncertain about how the zombies are killed.
Some are dropped by simple shots to the body.
Some by shots to the head.
But the head thing is canceled out by the fact that one zombie has half of it's head smashed in and yet still lives! So quite how a body shot downs them is unknown!

Other than that it's an entertaining romp that knows it's nothing but an entertaining, gory, fun-time time waster and not the new "Night of the Living Dead" and so works on those aspects to its advantage.

FORT APACHE
There is a smattering of a very good film in this, but it's broken up by some serious problems.
Far too much corny humour (some works, but this was also a fault to a far lesser extent with Ford's "The Searchers" too where in a very serious plot some 'Fordisms' would creep in as far as comedy was concerned), far too much soppy goings on with Shirley Temple's character and the young Officer, needlessly extended riding sequences (impressive scenery indeed, but we've had enough of it now), a dreadful, and dreadfully overbearing, score and a massive overdose of Irish blarney (includng a vomitous 'well now me darling' singing interlude from some Leprechaun/human hybrid).

There was some impressive action, stunts and cinematography (especially during the Injuns/wagon chase sequence) and the friction between John Wayne and Henry Fonda (two solid performances) is engaging.
And it's refreshing to see Ford take a more critical look at his normally Sainted U.S. Cavalry. If he does ensure us that all is well really at the end via The Duke's (now rather cloying) speech.

A very well staged and gripping finale helps boost things...but it's now certainly not the film it perhaps used to be and certainly not as good as it could have been even then.

FROM HELL
A film filled with good moments that still manages to defeat itself with so many avoidable bad ones.

My biggest gripe with this (and annoying surprise, as I had not read the Moore comic or heard about the film's plot) is that it re-does (YET AGAIN!!) the widely discredited to extinction theory that the 'Jack the Ripper' murders were to do with the Royal Family.
This idea was flitting around for a few years but not until the wacky self-publicist Stephen Knight wrote the infamous "Jack the Ripper: The Final Solution" did it truly take hold as Knight was a pretty good storyteller and added lots of really juicy rubbish to the basic conspiracy by involving high up people and The Masons.
Despite endless tomes (all pretty much dubious research, speculation and manipulation themselves) utterly blowing apart Knight's theory and Knight himself called out for blatantly ignoring known facts that did not back up his theory...this is without doubt the most successful and enduring Ripper myth even today.

As well as Knight's book there was TV 'documentary' of his ideas (used on the "From Hell" DVD extras, which ironically also shoots down this conspiracy that "From Hell" uses!), another book defense of it (badly done and full of falsehoods) in 1991 and of course the (otherwise quite clever,entertaining, and very atmospheric) film version of the 'Royal link', that also added Sherlock Holmes, "Murder by Decree".
There was also a, pre-Knights version, retelling of the basic theory in another Holmes vs The Ripper flick "A Study in Terror".
So excuse me if I did not need another version of it all with "From Hell"!

The film also shoots itself in the foot by using this theory because many of the audience, such a film targets, will already know it. And yet it foolishly uses this widely known idea for its mystery, whodunnit, plot!
When many of the audience, who know about The Ripper anyway, already know more than your lead detective character...all is not well.
And the fact the film has the actual Ripper as the same real life person that Knight uses...means that when the screenplay tries to set up other suspects it gets a bit tedious.
But saying that, even if you did not know this myth, a stupendously silly sound clue would give it away any way.
Best not to have the shadowed/off frame Ripper speak with the same very distinctive voice of one of your actors playing one of the suspects! You know who Jack is as soon as he speaks.

Another fault is the ludicrous and pointless 'totally black eyes' the killer suddenly has during the big reveal!
What the hell is this? Reality based or a damn supernatural story!
Whose eyes, no matter how psychotic, suddenly turn into two black orbs!?

Johnny Depp himself is also a weak link thanks to his bad accent. His acting is alright and he looks great as a sexed up Inspector Abberline but when he speaks its rather comical thanks to his Cockney accent.
His English accent got much better for "The Libertine" and even "Pirates". But here it's not good.
Also not too good is the fact that despite all the excellent set design and cinematography to make an authentic Victorian London...The Hughes Brothers then go and stock it with Heather Graham's radiant, flawless face!
Poor, Victorian street whore!? Looks more like Max Factor to me.
The Mary Kelley she portrays was the most attractive of the unfortunate women...but that was definitely relative!
"A Study in Terror" did the same silly thing with its sexed up, glowing, buxom wenches too (Babs Windsor anyone!) but that was in the 1960's!
The finale 'twist' (the very end scene aside) is also very obvious, and we never really expected anything else as we had already surmised The Hughes Brothers simply were not brave enough to do anything else.

Despite all that, there are some excellent sequences involving Depp annoying the establishment figures (a nice turn by the sadly late Ian Richardson as Warren), a few moments of choice gore and nastiness (including a genuinely shocking throat slitting), a nice turn by Robbie Coltrane and indeed most of the support cast and bags of atmosphere, though as far as that goes "Murder by Decree" has it beat during the truly frightening and shocking final death reconstruction.

So a lot of time, effort and money spent on a basic plot idea that's so well used and known the movie lacks any real suspense (though Alan Moore avoided most of the film's mistakes by not making the story a mystery any way, as he reveals who 'Jack' is from the start) and when added to its own, in house, faults mean "From Hell" is simply an average slice (ha ha) of entertainment and sadly not the definitive 'Jack the Ripper' film it could have been with all that talent and support to work with.

GETAWAY (THE)
Pekinpah and McQueen!
Holds up pretty damn well, good 70's cinema with a nice turn by the ever welcome Al Lettieri.

THE GHOST TRAIN (1941)
One of the may adaptations of the famous play, sees it turned into a comedy vehicle for wartime/post war comedian Arthur Askey.
A group of passengers miss their connection and are stranded in a wind and rain lashed, deserted, rural train station where the ghostly apparition of a train that once crashed is said to haunt the place.
And if you gaze upon it as it thunders past...you die.

The comedy hangs very well, and although Askey's antics have dated and are very music hall most of it works and there are some genuine laugh out loud moments of fun and Askey is very likeable.
Special mentions as well to the wonderful Kathleen Harrison as her stuffy, tea-total character gets sloshed on some 'medicinal' brandy and Askey's regular co-star and semi-straight man partner Richard Murdoch who bounces superbly off Askey.
What's also genuine is the creepy atmosphere built up in the excellent deserted train station set, helped no end by a wonderfully theatrical performance by Linden Travers as Julia, who is supposedly being driven insane by her need to look once more upon the ghostly train after glimpsing it years before.
Her wide-eyed pronouncements of spooky doom (as the unseen train thunders past, lights from its ghostly carriages illuminating the shrouded waiting room full of the stranded terrified passengers) add a full-on Gothic creepiness to the proceedings and certainly these scenes made a lasting impression on me when I first saw them in bed, on late night TV, as a teenager.

A fine, oh so delightfully English, blend of broad comedy and atmospheric, creepy horror.

GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS
An amazing cast give their all with Jack Lemmon stealing the overall honours in a wonderfully astute performance.
But the best single scene has to be Pacino's stunningly brutal verbal demolishing of Kevin Spacey (in a marvellous turn) that uses words, and more importantly expletives, as razor sharp weapons that rip into their target.
A slight story (you can tell it's very stagebound origins) but the dialogue, the cast and the performances (Baldwin's one sequence cameo still makes for riveting viewing) make it something special.

GODZILLA- American version
Sure it's not really anything like Godzilla. But hey, we know that. Like "Halloween 3" move the hell on! It's boring!
Taken on it's own merits though it's fine entertainment.
From the start it almost never lets up (no hour wait to see a monster here!), the sheer amount of destruction is great to see and very well done, the FX are superb (even in 2006 - a few dodgy matte shots aside - this is still some of the best CGI ever seen), it has some beautifully crafted action scenes (the helicopter chase though the maze of buildings is exhilarating cinema), likeable characters and quite simply it packs more monster fun 'n' punch than dull hype events like "The Lost World" could ever hope to deliver.

GOLGO 13 - Anime
Not too bad. Far more like an animated comic book than an animated film with many static shots and basic animations over static backgrounds etc.
Some good violence and lots of sex and nudity keep things ticking along, even if it's not with much energy.
Very dated looking (though nicely stylised) with a now crappy looking CGI sequence that was a very big thing back then but not now, and a so so story.
Worth a look, but the commentary track (on the R2/Japanese DTS release) was actually more enjoyable than the actual feature!

GONZA: THE SPEARMAN
Japanese Samurai movie that's 2 hours long and contains one, 20 second of screen time, fight at the very end!
The rest is a barely interesting story of Gonza scheming to learn the method of the scared tea service (I kid you not) by tricking various women until a mess up with one who is married (but has done nothing at all with) sees him and the woman having to flee.

This is meant to be the tragic love story part of the plot. But it appears very late, is set-up purely on bad luck with no similar feelings from Gonza's side at all towards the woman (whose fault it all was, due to her overheard shouting, that they had to flee any way) so any tragedy (and thus emotion and power) is non-existent.
Crap uk DVD transfer did not help the tedium flow any smoother.

GOOD DIE YOUNG (THE)
Top notch British thriller with a superb cast that Tarantino must have seen at some point as there are some close links to "Reservoir Dogs" with its tale of a bunch of strangers coming together to pull a heist and we learn about their backgrounds before the job takes place.
And what a cast!
Laurence Harvey in his prime and dripping sophisticated sexuality as the cruel head of the gang.
The great Stanley Baker in top 'hard guy with a heart' mode as a tragic ex-Boxer.
And supporting them we have John Ireland, Richard Basehart, a very young Joan Collins and a wonderfully horrible turn by Freda "Brides of Dracula" Jackson as Collin's manipulative Mother.
Nothing groundbreaking, but a solid watch and a great cast.

GORKY PARK
Very underrated thriller. A top cast all put in good perfromances and the story is interesting.
It's also a nice slice of history now with the Soviet Union setting.
People moaned about William Hurt's performance as the dogged Soviet detective, on the case of 3 faceless corpses found in the snow, but his use of an almost non-accent (sort of English...but not) is better than trying to do a dubious Russian accent for 2 hours (no one moaned at Connery in "Red October"!) and his clipped delivery not only adds to the feel that he is meant to be speaking a foreign language but also goes with the rigid, disciplined, regimented society he was raised in.
Lee Marvin is good and cold as the ruthless American fur trader and shady businessman. And a bit of Marvin is always welcome.
Joanna Pacula is suitably desirable and yet deeply tragic and gives a very good debut performance.
Brian Dennehy is a solid and wonderful to watch as he always was in his prime and the support cast is also good with nice turns from the both sadly late Michael Elphick and Ian Bannen as well as Richard Griffiths.
And we have a delightfully ghoulish performance by The Emperor himself Ian McDiarmid.
A bit overlong (and yet rather hurried at the end) but all in all a grand looking, entertaining, serious thriller that deserves a better reputation.

THE GRADUATE
60's perfection.
Hoffman is just wonderful as the multi-layered Benjamin and Anne Bancroft is an absolute joy as the cool as ice, but ultimately tragic, sexual predator Mrs Robinson who takes Benjamin in hand (as it were).

A great screenplay of course mixes the comic, the absurd and the tragic, but the other huge strengths here are the skilfull, taut direction by Mike Nichols and the stunning cinematography by the legendary Robert Surtees.
Not an inch of the widescreen frame is wasted and the visuals tell the tale just as much as the screenplay.
Just one of the many outstanding set-ups is when a petrified Benjamin and an unknowing Mr Robinson are sitting down, face to face, talking (just after the first pass by Mrs Robinson) and between them, in the background, the staircase looms...leading up to the bedroom where it happened. And then eventually, after just enough discomfort, Mrs Robinson is seen gliding down it.
And of course we have the wonderful score by Simon and Garfunkel that's full of classic songs (well used) and that truly puts the final layer of varnish on this mini-masterpiece.

GRUDGE (THE) -Unrated/Extended
Having had my fill of carbon copy Japanese supernatural flicks I never bothered with "Ju-on", so I thought that the American version would be a nice compromise to make for a fresher viewing.
I have to say I was impressed. Geller does a fine job and the 'foreigner abroad' angle adds a new spin.
Some good 'cheap' jump scares combine with good genuine scares and the film is packed with creepy, grotesque sights and has a nice unrelenting pace as it keeps the shocks coming thick and fast and the final 3rd really delivers the brutal and grotesque goodies...but it still managed to add character and suspense.
Very good indeed overall.
BUT...What a travesty that Sam 'I have now become a corporate suit' Raimi allowed this to be cut down to get a PG-13! If allowing the "Evil Dead" to be re-made was not proof enough...this should be!
Checking on the IMDB at what was removed for ther theatrical release it's pretty easy to see that much of the film's well crafted shock power was simply thrown away!
Don't even bother going near the theatrical cut...get this version instead and you will enjoy the ride a lot more. Especially the far more disturbing finale/flashback to the family killings.

GUNS OF NAVARONE (THE) *spoilers*
Okay it has its moments, but it's still way overrated.
Some boring characters, a lack of action, awfully dated model work, a really stupid death scene for James Darren that makes little sense and a confused, very weak death scene for the great (but wasted here) Stanley Baker.
I actually prefer the much maligned sequel ("Force 10") which has more action, is faster paced, has more entertaining support characters and I prefer Robert Shaw's portrayal of Mallory over Gregory Peck's. And Franco Nero is always welcome.

GUTTERBALLS
This was a massive improvement on the Director's weak "LIve Feed" and completely delivered. If you hate gore drenched, nasty, sick, twisted, exploitative flicks then don't watch.
But if you fancy the idea of a well made (technically dubious dialogue recording aside), truly balls-out exploitation flick done with a fan's enthusiasm and a 70's/80's retro sensibility, topped off with wonderfully inventive kills and superb gore FX then here it is.

The acting is not so much 'bad, as amateur, but that does not mean bad. The acting had a fun, go for it, heart in the right place amateur appeal for the most part. Even the expletive filled script works in the context of the film and it's characters.
A killer with a bowling bag on his head, splattertastic death by ball polisher, a messy castration and a great charnel house finale. Oh...and some hardcore sex.
Exploitation fans rejoice at this little gem.
Death by 69? Could be a first! Check it out.

HANNIBAL RISING
Why did this get so much hate?
It was far better than "Red Dragon" and "Hannibal".
It looked gorgeous (as did Gong Li), it was exceptionally well made, had an epic scope, was solidly acted by all (Gaspard Ulliel was very good indeed and thankfully left the Hopkins ham in the fridge), delivered the nastiness and was always compelling.

I also fail to see the criticism this gets for supposedly changing Hannibal from serial killer to vigilante hero.
First off (to escape or to evade capture aside) he always only ever seemed to kill people who were either deviants or just generally annoyed him or were counter to his warped sensibilities anyway.
Secondly he was shown in "Rising" to enjoy the kills far more than on just a vengeance level. He was loving 'the game' (a very Hannibal trait), the sadism and the drawn out deaths for their own sake.

He was obviously severly damaged mentally even at this early age due to what had happened to him and his family as a child (I also don't think this was a psycho-babble cop-put either as he was given chances to change by the Policeman who understood his reasons and by the only person in his life - who also loved him - Gong Li - but he chose to not be helped out of his own accord), so add the grotesque manner of the killings he carries out, add the fact he was loving the deaths and the sadistic games with his prey more and more (above the revenge level), add the fact we see him get more uninged as the film goes on and I think the movie made it very obvious at the end that Hannibal was one tiny step away from simply killing for his own pleasure and killing those who have not really done anything wrong to any normal mind...but have offended his now mortally damaged one in some way.

HAND OF DEATH
Early John Woo flick is an interesting look into the future.
A pre-eye widening operation Jackie Chan is the highlight and the action choreography by Sammo Hung gives him plenty of moments to shine.
Sammo himself also delivers the film's most horrendously grotesque aspect of the film....his comedy teeth!
Huge, shining white, goofy slabs that make him look like a psychotic rabbit who's eaten all the carrots!
Away from those mighty gnashers though, Sammo has a few good fight personal moments, but really delivers for the other actors.

Talking of the others, a young Yuen Biao is the other star of the show...though you won't really see him. Biao not only has a tiny acting role but does many of the stunts and doubles for various actors whenever acrobatics are required.
Aside from Sammo, Yuen and Jackie doing their early stuff (that would of course lead to some classic later pairings) there is little really outstanding about the film, but it delivers enough fight scenes to entertain and Jackie Chan really does shine.

HARD ROCK ZOMBIES
Ohhh ....My head hurts.
Truly DIRE! An awful film.
Only good moment....a Comedy Nazi Dwarf Zombie!
Otherwise....flush it!! Ohhh....

HARD TO KILL
The bad first.
Kelly Le Brock! Any stiffer and lifeless and she'd be a corpse!
Her over the top 'do you not know one is English' plum in the mouth delivery is grating and she quite frankly stinks. Which is not good as she is on it so much!
Even during some of the Stevie the Seagul bone snapping scenes she has to stick her face in!
It's rather plodding once Seagul pops out of his coma (after being shot and his Wife killed) after the hospital chase scene. We have revenge to get revenging so lets not spend anymore time than we have to with Seagul and Kelly the Plank.
Generally this is stuck with flat direction all round.
The plot is all over the place and filled with holes too and lacks a really good hammy lead villain.

The good.
Bone snapping! Limbs are twisted all kinds of wrong ways here (with suitably nasty crunching sounds) and it's all good.
A few satisfying and bloody gun fights break up the martial arts fights as well and yet again we have delightfully cheesy dialogue.
The best line comes after Seagal realises a Senator (who likes to say "and you can take that to the bank" as his political catchphrase) is the bad guy, and he scowls at the camera and announces:
"And I'm going to take you to the bank Senator. THE BLOOD BANK"!
And how can you not love this classic after Seagal rams a stake into a guy's throat! "That's for my wife...Fuck you and die"!
I also love the fact the Seagal pays no heed to innocent bystanders and property as he throws bad guys around! It's not safe to be a bystander at a Stevie slap down, unless you want a goon in your lap! And keep all breakables out of the way!
Good fun for the most part then, but rather plodding at times and with a big flaw in the shape (though it is a nice shape) of the god-awful Kelly the Stiff, who they insisted on putting into every other scene.

HARRY BROWN
Sir Michael Caine puts in a great performance as the ex-Marine pensioner Harry Brown who has seen too much death enter his life.
And when his last friend and confidant on earth is killed by a murderous, sadistic, drug dealing gang of teenagers who have been terrorising the run down estate Harry lives on...he takes justice into his own hands.

Brutal, harsh, explicit in violence and language this may be a slightly overblown picture of modern Britain but it's simply a concentrate made of everyday facts and figures from various inner city/large town areas that anyone with a eyes and ears can see is the way of things.

The gang are a truly vile slice of life and the film pulls no punches in showing how they operate and interact with other people.
The lowest of the low is an understatement and as such, seeing as the Police do nothing until it's too late (either by indifference, or by years of having their hands tied behind their backs) the movie utterly makes a case for Harry doing what he does.

And Harry, and Caine, do what needs doing in fine form.
Caine is absolutely wonderful as the scared, sad, frustrated old man and just as superb as the angry, vengeful, hate filled vigilante who goes right into the cesspit to hunt his prey.
Bloody, violent (some over use of CGI is noticeable but does not distract from the bloodshed too much), nasty, crude well paced, well acted, well directed and edited with some great cinematography "Harry Brown" delivers some tense scenes, some exciting scenes, some moving scenes and plenty of satisfaction as repugnant germs in human form get wiped out.

A nice final shot sums it all up in a simplistic but wonderfully effective way and this is one modern vigilante film (unlike "Death Sentence") that does not hypocritically disapprove or punish its vigilante or have any bleeding heart, bastardised so called liberal bleating on behalf of sadistic villains who barely register as sentient life forms.
And anyone whose watched any gang videos on YouTube will know just how accurate this portrayal of the bad guys is in the movie...thugs too moronic to even notice Ali G was taking the piss and was not meant to be a role model.

A vigilante flick for people who actually like vigilante flicks and recognise the whole cathartic release for the audience point of their existence.
"Harry Brown" is the kind of vigilante film Paul Kersey would happily watch in the cinema after a hard days street cleaning....and that's a damn high recommendation.

HAUTE TENSION
It's very violent with some choice gore from the genius that is Mr De Rossi (so nice to have this guy back again with a good FX budget behind him) but the final 3rd may well annoy. It certainly opens up possible plot holes and it was perhaps a rather pointless choice to add this twist anyway.

HEARTSTOPPER
An electrocuted psycho pops back to kill a few people and do something with some girl he has a link with or something and oh....who cares?

why bother!? The most dire decade for American mainstream horror was by far the 90's.
So why does a 21st century horror film want to pretend its some 90's cheap-ass horror flick?
Crap gore (in a film about a psycho who rips out hearts - how does he manage to do that anyway? - it's a big mistake to have rubbish rubber hearts for the FX) , tired direction, bored actors, dull characters and just...oh....deathly, heartless stodge.

Who the hell would want to almost re-make something as truly dire as "Shocker" anyway?
Do we need more moronic, dull-fest , 90's type horror dross along the lines of "Dr Giggles"?
The late 80's/90's was a dire time for straight-forward horror film making with lame sequels, already dead in the water attempts to start new horror franchises, endless smart-ass one-liner spouting psychos designed to sell t-shirts to mall rats who shout "dude" at each other and all round boredom!

"Heartstopper" tries to be such a film (here the psycho spouts pretentious garbage instead of jokes) and only a smallish turn by Robert Englund as a could have been interesting character makes the film even remotely watchable.
In a very rare event for me I gave up after 40 minutes, skipped to the (just as I thought, dire) ending with it's obvious, nonsense 'shock' ending, removed the disc and got on with my life.

HEATHERS
Still good fun, with some great dialogue.
Not a huge fan of the change to standard psycho thriller in the final quarter, but still a fine watch and Christian Slater is marvellous!

HENRY: P.O.A.S. KILLER 2
Not bad, at least it was made and played in a serious fashion and had a few gory moments.
But it lacked the power of the first film.
Ultimately ointless, as I thought it might be, but not a bad watch

HIGHWAYMEN
Looks great, sounds great, has a couple of brutal scenes of people being run over and some outstanding stunts.
Rather simplistic though due to the short running time and the fnale is a bit weak.
But once again Robert Harman ("The Hitcher") shows he is one of the masters of 'road movie' cinema.

HIT & RUN
Well acted by the lead actress Laura Breckenridge (who was great at essaying a woman totally losing it after she unknowingly hits a guy with her jeep and then buries his body) who was also fine to look at thanks to the copious tight ass, push up bra/sweaty cleavage shots of her.
She's brave enough to leave the glamour behind though as her character spends most of the film covered in mud, dirty water, much blood (which she later cleans off with spit!) and does quite a bit of puking...So well done Ms Breckenridge!

The film (and the director) is far too leisurely in moving the narrative away from this initial set-up though.
40 minutes of the 80 minute film is spent on just this basic initial set-up, telling the boyfriend about it and much cleaning up, freaking out, driving back and forth sequences...but not one second of plot progression.

Then all of a sudden, with 35 or so minutes to go the film goes bat shit CRAZY!
Meet the one of the grotesque, utterly deranged, psychos seen for many a year (great turn by Kevin Corrigan) and he's backed up by some well done make-up FX.

The film takes a few unexpected turns here and there, but is basically an extended 'Masters of Horror' episode.
But the good acting, gallons of blood 'n' grue and some nice suspense keep things speeding along nicely after that slow first half.
Worth a look.

HITMAN
Genz was chosen to helm this video game adaptation but then supposedly his version was hampered by some re-shoots and a reduction of the violence, but the DVD 'Unrated'/'Extreme' version at least fixes the violence problem by throwing huge great globs of blood, brains and general meat chunks around the screen with wild abandon.
In a less than 'Hitman - the game' fashion we also have a fair bit of nudity from the rather sexy Olga Kurylenko (including one full frontal shot, which when added to the swearing and bloody violence/gore makes the UK '15' certificate rather lenient) and so what's wrong?

Well we certainly needed 3 or 4 'montage hits' to set up the '47' character better before jumping almost right in to the main plot.
A couple of random assassinations based directly on some from the game would have been very cool indeed!
As for the main plot it's rather confusing at times.
The Russian twists and turns and motivations are confusingly handled and presented and a lot of stuff remains open to interpretation as far as 'why are those guys doing that' moments go.
The 'relationship' between Olga and Timothy Olyphant's '47' also seems rushed and again we needed to see far more of the straight ahead, no complications assassin '47' before this compromised one.

But we also have many plus points. The styling, costumes, sets, locations and lots of camera angles are spot on as far as reconstructing the games goes and although Olyphant's face is not really like '47' the shots of him walking down corridors from behind are damn perfect, bar code an all!
As mentioned the violence is wonderfully bloody and chunky (and very gory during the opening arm hacking) and is almost all live, on set, blood work!
JOY!!!
No dubious looking CGI blood spray here, this is all gloopy, old school, squib goodness and it makes a big difference.
The action is generally well shot and handled and only a re-shoot sword fight is stodgy and forced (although the sight of a whole group of other bald assassins is fun) and Olyphant does well as '47' despite the facial difference and pulls off the gunwork perfectly.

So not as good as it could/should have been.
Not as simple as it perhaps should have been, not as much 'normal' assassination footage to set the '47' character up and not enough Diane (!)
But it's certainly not the turkey too many people have said it is (at least not in this far more violent version) and, until a (maybe, possibly, perhaps) Director's Cut appears, this is as good as we will get for a "Hitman" movie and the very bloody action, clever styling/game reconstruction and (generally) well staged action are still a lot of fun and make for a classy action film (with titties) that still satisfies despite the flaws.

HOST (THE)
Almost as depressing as watching Concentration Camp liberation films.
Basically lets see how much sadistic crap we can throw at one family in 1hour 50 mins and oh yeah...throw in a bit of monster mayhem now and again to fool people into thinking it may be entertaining.
That the whole idea is that a father believes his presumed daughter is not actually dead but still alive and goes through hell (with the rest of his dysfunctional family) to prove it and find her, it's then a betrayal (despite the tiny shiny bit of good with a saved orphan) to then never bring this fact to actual fruition.
Simply to make it all even more dark and depressing, as if the constant nastiness the family have already been through is not enough.

There are places for dark and bleak films in cinema...but you have earn that right and put it in context.
A supposedly slam bang monster flick, with the hopes of salvation for the presumed dead at the end, is not it.
I suppose its all meant to be deep and meaningful and about sacrifice and some kind of salvation pulled from the darkness of grief....yeah. Fine.
But this was not the film to do that.
About as much fun as "Salvador". But that had the right to do what it did. This didn't.
The point about Korean authorities and the whole system was made...the nasty cherry on top was not needed or welcome.

HOSTEL
You could have basically removed the opening Amsterdam sequences (bar the kid telling them about the Hostel) for better pacing, and I wish Roth would lose the
'gay', 'retarded' 'suks' spouting characters as I hate such plebs in real life and don't need them as characters you are supposed to care about in films.
I'd torture the creeps too!
Not as bas as "Cabin Fever" for this though thankfully.
Also some of the nasty as hell mutilations seemed to be shrugged off after like a paper cut! The finger amputation especially seemed to be almost forgotten.

Other than that, I have to say I liked it. I have no time for homophobia and I hope Roth is not like his characters, but it has to be said that this IS exactly how a good few American teens would act, it is after all 24 hour Baptist TV Land.
As such it seemed in place and even justified when the 'Dutch Guy', a complete stranger, touched the lad up. Plus it hinted that he may have been Gay himself.
So no real criticism here.
Or in fact of the anti-American stance. Roth showed various nationalities of victim and villian...if anything it was biased against what Europe is supposedly like! But hey..it's a horror film not a documentary.
And it seems the lead character would have learnt a valuable lesson anyway.
The plot was far fetched of course, but Roth embraced that fact and as such neutralised any criticism.
Delightfully strange moments, like the pack of feral kids, even seemed okay (like the crazy Kung Fu kid who came from nowhere in "Cabin Fever") because Roth openly embraced the wackiness.
Gore was not that well done, but was suitably moist and in your face when needed and a strong vibe of essential sadism ran through the movie.
Could have been stronger and even more disturbing...but then it would not get released outside of Internet geek sites. let us not forget the environment (and the money that goes with it) Roth is working in.
Nice to have some good honest (and very nice thank you) T & A on display for once in a mainstream horror flick and the eastern Europe seting made for a welcome change and the sets were atmospheric.

Overall it was not all it could have been but was better than most tries at
Exploitation we get from Hollywood although not in the league of "The Devil's Rejects" or "Wolf Creek" because unlike "Creek" it sometimes played it too 'crazy' and far fetched.
But generally it was good, nasty, bloody entertainment with some nice atmosphere and quirks.
We just need rather less dip-shit characters to cheer for Roth!!
Damn weird but nice to hear a re-mix of "The Wicker Man's" 'Willow Dance' song on the soundtrack too!

HOT POTATO
Holy Afros! What happened here?!

This sort of sequel to "Black Belt Jones" (Kelly is an afro sporting, karate chopping, agent named 'Jones') is a right car crash.
Very broad, slapstick, comedy sound effect humour is the order of the day here for a good two 2/3rds of the movie and it's fucking awful!

Kelly is joined by a two comedy sidekicks, 'Chicago' and fat ass annoyance named 'Rhino', who bring the film down to the level of dirt (especially the prancing, bloated, douche 'Rhino') and the film just lies there and dies a slow death despite the obviously impressive budget compared to "B B Jones", the exotic Thai locations (this film jettisons all the former movie's Blaxploitation trappings and is pour martial arts ala "Enter the Dragon") and some plentiful action.

In fact the awful humour not only kills the general parts of the film, but much of the fighting too as it often stops for 'hysterical comic hijinks' (like a squashed hat) and gets landed with cartoon level sound effects.
This is a real chore folks.

Then a mini miracle occurs in the last 3rd as the film loses almost all of the comedy (bar that prancing loon 'Rhino' during a fight scene) and actually becomes a pretty enjoyable, quite large scale, action flick.
We have an amusingly bad attack scene with our heroes fighting off guys with exploding fireworks and various traps and the impressively mounted finale features some good Kelly karate and a lot of extras to hit.

So all in all the last 3rd showed us what might have been if the vomitous 'comedic' sludge had not swamped the first 2/3rds of the movie to literally torturous degrees as far as the poor viewer is concerned.

HOUSE OF DRACULA
Not very good.
The level of a bit of late night TV fun is the most such lesser 'Universal' films can ever hope to achieve today if we are being truly honest.

Some great use of shadows and Onslow Stevens effortlessly steals the show (and adds some genuine pathos) as the doomed Doctor and has great fun as the mr Hyde/vampire creature.
There is an interesting 'Igorrette' character in the form of a hunchbacked nurse.
And it finally has a good send off for the much troubled Larry 'Wolfman' Talbot.

But this features one of the worst and most boring Dracula's ever (Carradine) looking like a children's party magician doing very little vampyric other than cowering from crosses and turning into a floppy bat before being blandly turned into a novelty shop plastic skeleton.
Carradine is more slightly sinister hypnotist than any Lord of the Undead!

It also features one of the worst Frankenstein Monsters (in the hulking form of Glenn Strange once again) who does nothing whatsoever at all in the film except waddle around lin the last 5 minutes looking lost.
Good old Larry Talbot (Chaney of course) has 2 changes into the Wolfman and is allowed to do nothing at all with either of them before spending most of the rest of the film in human form where all he does is look sad while sitting in a bathchair.

Lionel Atwell pops up in a glorified cameo role as yet another identikit local police chief but this was near the end of his career and he looks and sounds very tired.
Half the cast is snuffed out at the end but the credits pop up so fast no emotional aftermath is allowed.

HOUSE OF WAX (1953)
I was surprised at how wrong I got the first half of this film.
I've not seen it for many years and I forgot that Vincent Price is shown disfigured and going around killing people so early on.
I could have sworn the disfigured face was a big finale reveal (under the rather stupidly realistic wax mask that *shock* looks and moves exactly like Price's face) but I was wrong....and sure enough this first half of the film is by far the best.

The film goes from fast paced disfigured psycho flick to slow, achingly obvious, horror drama and the shift in tone is dramatic.
Thankfully Price is in good form here so it makes the obvious plotting more entertaining to sit through and at least the finale ups the macabre, even if Price's demise is rather blink and you miss it.

What really stands out here though is how great the film looks and how genuinely macabre as far as the attitude to corpses goes. Dead bodies are joked over, they're carted, carried, dumped and abused with grotesque abandon and the film does benefit from this macabre playfulness.
So it gets a bit bogged down and obvious later on but it still holds up, still entertains, Price is good and overall it's certainly recommended.

HUMAN JUNGLE (THE)
One of those gritty 50's Noirish cop thrillers that falls between two stools as far as a modern audience's perceptions go.

It hints at prostitution, it contains murder, features crime syndicates, petty hoods, street bums and brutal women killers.
And it goes out and films all this on the actual mean streets and drapes all the seedy alleyways in deep shadow.

And yet...because of the obvious censor constraints of 50's cinema (despite the slowly changing aspects that this film does highlight) and general mores of 50's society all this grit and darkness still plays out like a cozy, retro, viewing experience as all the shadows are just that bit lighter than they should be and all the dirt a little to shiny.
This is gritty urban crime drama with no sex, no nudity, no blood, no real on-screen violence no swearing.
As such it's a strange , though still highly enjoyable, creation and it would really take the 70's to fully catapult gritty crime cinema right into that dirt and grime and absolute darkness that "The Human Jungle" exists in, uses, but is never truly honest about.

A good cast features a young Chuck Connors as a slimy murderer and a still up and coming Claude Akins as a Mob heavy but the real acting honours here go to Gary Merrill as one of the most driven, uncompromising, tough as fucking nails Police Captains ever put on screen.
So good stuff, nice retro viewing for lovers of 50's thrillers...but it never truly gets under the concrete skin of that urban jungle it takes it's name from.

HUNTER'S BLOOD
A sadly forgotten 'crazy backwoods loonies' film that has some of the best 'redneck' characters out.
Plus we have some good gore, Including a great twitching body with a blown off face.
A bit slow to get up steam, but still deserves a bigger profile and a nice DVD release.
Clu Gulager is in fine form too, and Billy Drago is (as always) in top crazy mode.